Life’s Journey

If I Were a Butterfly

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

“If I were a butterfly, I’d thank You, Lord, for giving me wings…”

One of the songs we used to sing with hand motions in church when I was a young teen. I loved it and it stuck around in my head for years as I moved into adulthood and had kids of my own. Now that my kids are grown, I am back working in children’s ministry. And the song came to mind again.

You see, last November I went through a personal slump that lasted through the middle of February. Yet, at the same time, I became involved in planning lessons and activities for children’s church. After an 11 year hiatus from regular church attendance, just sporadic and occasional, other than a brief time when I worked on a children’s program, I finally returned to the fold at the church where I was raised, married and held my husband’s funeral in. I was finally able to sit in church and not remember the bittersweet memories of my losses.

Quite honestly, I didn’t think I would be here again. I thought I had given up children’s ministry years ago, saying I couldn’t relate to children anymore. And the thing is, I didn’t give God enough credit for what He could do in my heart, and in my life.

Guiding me back to church, and placing me in ministry, was a beautiful gift. A promise fulfilled. And we are developing an exciting program that is touching children and families. The more ideas I get for lessons and activities, the more ideas come to me. It’s like my mind rolls over these thoughts into plans, and I have a great team that helps me carry them out.

Of course, with the bipolar disorder, I have to be careful that excitement doesn’t cross over into mania. And at this point, I don’t see it happening. Although I am going for a “checkup” to my therapist this week, just to go over the changes in the past few weeks and how I am coping in my everyday life.

And the anxiety is still there is social surroundings. Also some health issues that make it uncomfortable to be in groups. But some things I have to live with, and other things God is healing, it will take time. But even Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he asked God to remove. In Romans 12, Paul writes:

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

If Paul said God’s grace was sufficient in His weakness, because God’s power made Him strong, than I can do no less for myself.

I’ve experienced some dark times in my life. I’ve lived in the shadows for years since my husband’s death. In the aftermath of grief, I believe we walk in the “Valley of the Shadows” (Psalms 23:4) The verse says, the shadow of death, but I believe we who who lose our loved ones also find ourselves in that valley. There is no time table for our recovery, no pat phrases or Bible verses that can bring us miraculously out from the shadows. Time, the support of others, for me, listening to spiritual songs and hymns, can help us find the light again.

In the past few months I feel like I am living in the light of what God has in store for me. I haven’t been writing any fiction. Instead, I’ve focused on lessons and plans for children’s church as well as working my day job as a homemaker aide for senior citizens. I can feel the vibrancy of God in my spirit as I stretch my horizons and find confidence in who I am and in my skills.

In November, I saw the above necklace advertised and it immediately drew me in. It’s rose gold, which is a beautiful color. I haven’t bought jewelry for myself for a long time, and yet I purchased this one.

Now that I have walked through the valley of the shadows and feel the light of the Son on my life, I feel a lot like this butterfly. The butterfly wraps itself in a cocoon and spends time in the darkness as it grows and changes. When the time is right, it breaks free from its cocoon and flies away.

God has chosen the butterfly to represent new life in Him. I am so thankful today that God was with me in the shadows, growing my faith, teaching me to listen to His word, crying out to Him when I was so lonely and in pain. My life isn’t perfect now, as mentioned above. But God’s power is made perfect in my weakness.

Please consider today that God has you in the palm of His hand. Maybe you are in the darkness, maybe you are walking in shadows, and perhaps you are living in the light, but wherever you find yourself, God is with you. He will see you through.

It is Well with My Soul

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

(I’m almost embarrassed to post this today after my recent Facebook post stating that in my own part of the world, there was peace in my mind and in my heart.)

Today didn’t start off very well. I stopped for gas on the way to work and pulled up to the pump on the driver’s side. I’d forgotten that my gas tank is on the passenger side. I turned the car around. Then as I started pumping gas, I also started to cry.

Another aunt passed away recently. And we lost another classmate. In one part of the world farmilies are being separated by war. So much loss of life.

I’d felt a heaviness all weekend and now that feeling was coming out in tears.

Since I was starting to let my emotions get the best of me, after pumping gas I pulled into an empty parking space. I took out my phone and called my counselor. I told her I was sorry for bothering her but told her that I felt overwhelmed with my emotions starting to spin out of control.

“Did you use your tools?” she asked.

Uh, no.

I knew what she meant. Not tools like a hammer and screwdriver, but actions I can take to helm me manage my emotions. Tools that I talked about in previous posts last summer when I was doing well.

You’d think by now these actions would be engrained in me so that when emotional moments come up, I can put them to right away.

Instead, I try to do everything on my own. To push my feelings inside and handle life’s struggles. Then when it becomes overwhelming, I fall apart.

After a mini breakdown a few months ago in my car on the way to work (which seems to be the time when I fall apart), I wrote down these actions on index cards and put them in my car.

Some of these tools are standard for anyone who is dealing with the anxiety and depression, but these are the order in which I have them in my vehicle. Some I came up with or personalized.

Card #1:

Take a few deep breaths to slow down my thoughts.

Card #2:

Listen to or sing, “It is Well with my Soul.” (My favorite rendition of the song is in the video link below.)

Card #3:

Tighten all muscles, then relax.

Card #4:

Remember: “Feelings are not Facts”.

F-A-T:

Feelings affect our thoughts which affect our actions.

Card #5:

Remember this Bible verse:

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”

James 4:8

Card #6:

Picture myself in a serene place.

For me it was the lavendar field where we went in July, overlooking the lake. I remember how relaxed I felt that day, how utterly at peace my thoughts were.

How fleeting peace can be!

I know I have a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes all in the same day or in this case, the same weekend. Living with the challenges I face is not easy. Sometimes I say half-jokingly that “It’s so hard to be me.”

For some reason, unlike “normal” people, I don’t handle my emotions well under stress or during grief. Or maybe I’m one of the few who seek outside help with managing my emotions during those times.

I’m not too embarrassed to be real and honest here. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way. We all have our ups and downs. None of us go through life untouched by grief.

After I reviewed my index cards and listened to the song, “It is well with my Soul,” I was able to grab hold of that peace and go on with my day. I didn’t cancel any clients. I made it through the day, and actually enjoyed socializing with the people I was working for.

So the tools that my counselor taught me and that I expressed in posts last summer do really work. Progress is being made. In January, I had a mini breakdown and took three days off from work. Today, I had a mini breakdown and didn’t miss any jobs. I don’t know what is possible, but as another card:

Card #7:

Live one day at a time. Un dia a la vez.

Sadly, none of us is promised tomorrow. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Life is frail, and it can be gone in the blink of an eye.

A heart can stop beating at any time, and for so many, death came unexpectedly.

This hymn is one of my favorites and its message is so powerful. “Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul.”

From the Vault: Unconditional Love

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Before planning my own wedding, I had no idea of the details and decisions we would need to make. A wedding dress and veil, rings, registries, invitations, musicians, and…cake napkins? We didn’t have a lot of time or money to work with. We had to sacrifice some of the things we wanted to save money.

One of the things we saved money on was our wedding cake. There were two people we knew who did wedding cakes as a side business and neither of them could make ours. One suggested we make our own cake. So we decided to. Since it was a February wedding and close to Valentine’s Day, we went with a heart-shaped cake.

Or rather, several of them. Different flavors included chocolate, carrot cake and cherry chip cake. We, meaning my fiancé Pat and I, mixed up the batter and baked the heart-shaped cakes in my mom’s kitchen. We coated the baked cakes with an icing glaze to keep them moist.

My sister iced and decorated the cake and added some sugared hearts that a friend helped her make. A friend gave us a musical figurine that we used as a cake topper. It wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty, and uniquely ours.

We had way too much cake left over. I think we were eating it for weeks. We put the top layer in the freezer for our one-year anniversary, but we didn’t eat it when that day came. The thought of eating one-year-old cake, even though it had been preserved by freezing it, didn’t appeal to us.

We didn’t just have cake left over. We also ended up with about 50 unused cake napkins. We packed them away and planned to take them out on our 25th anniversary , when we would have family and friends gather to celebrate.

However, we didn’t make it to our 25th anniversary. Not because we fell out of love, but because a tragic work accident took Pat’s life after just 20 years of marriage.

1 Corinthians 13 is known as the Love Chapter. It is incorporated into many wedding ceremonies. I don’t remember if it was read at ours, because my head was in the clouds that day.

…Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

These verses speak of unconditional love. Pat loved me unconditionally. He was my rock, my biggest supporter, provider and protector. I miss him, but God is healing my grief. I’m learning to stand on my own two feet, with the love and support of family and friends.

Our “Happy Ever After” was cut short, but I’m grateful for the twenty years we had together.

Good Monday Morning 2-7-22

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

Good Monday Morning

It is a good morning here in map-dot, Michigan. I was blessed to spend time with family this weekend, to attend church and work with the children’s ministry on Sunday, and to have time to relax and read.

Like all weekends, the time went by too fast. I usually have Mondays off but today I am working to make up for the time I will miss on Thursday when I go to a medical appointment.

Several thoughts came to mind throughout the weekend and I’m sharing them here. My life’s journey includes ups and downs like anyone else’s. However, because I have bipolar disorder and battle depression and anxiety, even small challenges can become overwhelming.

In 2021, I received many blessings.

I had two books published by Anaiah Press. I built up my blog and presence on social media, gaining a following of readers from various parts of the U.S. and other countries. My number of local readers also increased.

After trying a couple of different jobs, I finally found a job that I love and feel like I am good at. I’ve met interesting and lovely people who make the job rewarding.

I’ve also grown closer to my kids who are my greatest blessings in my life, in large part due to the pets we’ve rescued.

Around Thanksgiving, I started working with children’s church again, something I used to enjoy before Pat passed away.

In spite of these wonderful blessings, I found myself struggling with depression towards the end of 2021.

That struggle carried over into the month of January and began to affect my job.

Recognizing the depression because I have experienced it before, I sought help from my therapist. I’d forgotten the tools I learned in counseling.

I’d lost my way.

Now I’m working with my counselor to get back on track in the fight against depression. I’m also seeing my doctor about changes in my medication.

I’m trying to get back into exercising daily, which I had gradually given up starting around Thanksgiving. All the overeating over the holidays didn’t help and I ended up putting on a few pounds that I’d lost.

I also began to neglect my spiritual life as I stopped reading the Bible and praying which I’d been doing daily for many months.

Now I am carving time in my day for devotions so I can draw closer to God and gain wisdom in how to spend my days. And to help me treat the people in my life well.

What will 2022 bring?

I have an annual review of my job coming up. There have been some complaints from clients about me missing work. Most of the days I missed were due to mental health or physical ailments. I was exposed to Covid a few times and had to quarantine although I didn’t get sick. I know I can’t get fired for that, but I’m nervous about what the evaluation will show.

As far as my writing goes, after the initial excitement of my book releases died down, I was unable to complete work on two novellas that I’d started. Then came a contest that I wanted to enter which means increased writing time.

I’ve spent the past few days organizing my writing projects for the year which include one holiday novella and writing for the contest. I will concentrate on those two things and put the rest on the back burner until these are complete.

I’m also writing lessons for children’s church. I’m putting together curriculum that teaches the story of how Jesus grew from an infant who was born at Christmas to when He grew up and died on the cross and was resurrected.

I want to teach the children I’ll be working about how God loves all children, and all people, the same, no matter what their differences are.

In a world of hate and discord, I want the church to be a safe place where children can learn kindness towards each other. We adults need to learn that lesson as well.

In order to prepare these lessons, I have to believe and practice what I am teaching.

In my day job, it’s important that I show kindness and patience with the people I work for.

In my home life, it’s also important that I am patient and kind.

I still have days when I don’t feel those things, but I am confident enough to put them into practice regardless.

I know that God will give the strength to get through each day, to not only survive, but to thrive as I journey with Him through life.

Good Monday Morning 1-24-22

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Good Monday Morning.

My post is a little late again this week. I took advantage of having a day off and slept in. Well, first my dog woke me up at 4:00. I took her out and fed her then went back to bed. Even without my electric blanket, I slept until 9:00. Those extra hours of sleep were a luxury.

After I woke up the second time, I brewed a cup of coffee first before I sat down at the computer.

For a Christmas present, my kids gave me a coffeepot that has a 12-cup carafe on one side and a one-cup brewer on the other. I haven’t made coffee in the large carafe yet, because I only drink one cup at a time. But I love the fact that I don’t have to have a reservoir for the water, just pour in a cup of water at a time. And I also don’t have to use those expensive pods. I can use my own grounds.

My favorite cup of coffee is a blend of hazelnut and Mackinac Island fudge flavors. I ran out of the fudge flavor two months ago, so I’ve been drinking plain hazelnut blend as well as several flavored coffees that I received as Christmas gifts. I miss the hazelnut-fudge blend, though.

I’ve promised myself that the fudge-flavored coffee is my reward for meeting my writing goals.

Unfortunately, as of today, I haven’t yet met any of the goals that I had set for the first of the year.

So far in January, I’ve spent my time wading through the emotional waters of depression. I haven’t sunk beneath the waves yet, but I seem to be just muddling through my days.

I think part of the reason for the depression is the winter season which affects many of us. That goes alone with my worries about the winter weather and the thought of staying inside where it’s warm.

Another part of the reason for the lethargy, as I mentioned last week, is a poor diet and lack of exercise over the holidays. Also, I haven’t been putting as much focus on reading the Word of God as I have on reading my Kindle.

I am a work in progress, just like my writing.

My stories, like a good cup of coffee, have to brew first.

I start the writing process by thinking about the characters and forming a picture of them in my mind. How old are they? What are their strengths and weaknesses? Why are they attracted to one another?

I also form a picture of the setting. Where will the story take place? What time of year will it be?

I think up scenes and dialogue when I am working with my hands at tasks that don’t require much concentration.

Spiritual growth takes place in me as I write. My stories are woven with my faith. The threads of wisdom that I have learned through my own struggles helps me resolve the conflict that my characters face.

I am often moved emotionally throughout the writing process. Sometimes, I wrote an emotional scene with tears streaming down my face.

The goals that I set were to finish two novellas and prepare a story to submit to a contest. This week, I will work towards those goals as best as I am able.

That Mackinac Island Fudge coffee is waiting for me at the finish line.