Life’s Journey

Happy Independence Day!

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

I thought I was independent as a young adult when I went off to college, then traveled to Mexico. I THOUGHT I was independent when in 1988 I went back to Mexico and stayed for six months teaching.

The situation where I lived wasn’t working out. I’d been independent here in the U.S., but there I didn’t know how to cook or clean or anything to their standards. The meals I tried to cook weren’t well received so I gave up. I ate most of my meals out even if it was just a yogurt and fresh fruit.

One day I had terrible stomach cramps and the woman I was living with took me to see the doctor. Later that day, I rode the bus to school as usual. I met up with some friends who invited me to their house.

Later that evening, they took me back to the place where I was staying. One of the sisters said, “She is going to scold you.” (Meaning my housemate.)

Well, she certainly did. After I said goodbye to the sisters and walked into the house, my housemate let me have it. For over an hour I sat at the table and listened to her tell me that she had called hospitals and everyone she knew to see where I had been. It was in the days before cell phones. I didn’t even have her phone number if I’d wanted to call and tell her I’d be late. Along with that, she blasted me. “You depend too much on your mommy.”

Me? Dependent on my mom?

I was offended at that. After all, I’d been out of school 5 years and had lived on my own most of that time. I’d been financially independent for most of that time period also.

But looking at it from her standpoint, I was lazy and didn’t do my share.

That was the beginning of the end for me. I began to get homesick and desperate to make it through the next few weeks until the classes I was teaching were finished. I didn’t try to fit in anymore.

I came home and started a new job, found a new place to live, bought a car. I met my husband and we got married nine months later. I was still independent, up until we had our first child. Then I became a stay-at-home mom.

As a mom with young children and with a husband who worked long hours, I did become dependent on my mom. She helped out with the kids, went with me on errands, and was always just a phone call away. Even when she was going through her illness I could still call and she would listen to my complaints.

She was very helpful during the time that I had my nervous breakdown when I was hospitalized, and after I returned home. She ended up getting sick and passing away a couple of years later.

It was about that time when my dependence shifted to my husband. I could no longer attend social functions without his presence there to buffer me and shield me from nervousness. He carried the financial burden of my doctor appointments and medicine without complaint. As I gradually got better, I became more independent. I even got a job and contributed to the household finances.

But I still relied on him to support me when we went places. I didn’t like to go without him. So when I lost him in August 2010, it took a long time before I could get back to my independence.

As I’ve shared in previous blog posts, through counseling, medication and emotional support, I’ve managed to come through the Valley of the Shadow of Grief and come out the other side, stronger than before. I have arrived at a secure place in my life. Lately I’ve become involved in church and attended social functions without that anxiety eating me up inside.

I’d like to say I’m independent, but financially I rely on my adult children who live with me as they share in paying utilities and pay for everything for our rescued cats, including food, litter and vet care. That could change in the future, and I am working toward the goal of becoming financially solid by the time I’m 60. (Not too many years away, unfortunately).

Although I have put the past behind me, I will always remember the words of my housemate in Mexico when she said, “You depend too much on your mommy.” It keeps me humble to realize that I wasn’t all that I thought I was.

Climbing Out of Depression: Key Steps to Healing

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

I published this post a few years ago. Every now and then I read back over it to remind myself of the steps I took to get out of the pit of depression. God’s eternal truths never change. And by clinging to those truths, we can rise above thoughts that lead us into depression.

I started going to a Christian counselor in October 2013 to help me through the depression I was stuck in.

I’m certain God led me to this counselor, as she and her husband were missionaries in Saltillo, Mexico, in the same year that I studied there. Not only that, but she studied Spanish at the same language institute that I did there in Saltillo, just not at the same exact time. It was enough of a connection to believe that God brought her into my life to help me heal.

One of the first things my counselor did was share with me Psalm 40:1-2.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.

The verses describe what it feels like to live in depression and grief.

My counselor gave me the word picture that there is a pit of depression, but there are rungs to help us climb out of it.

The rungs are truths that we know. For a Christian, those truths are founded in the Word of God.

My late husband had made notes in the margins of his Bible. Icame across these words he’d written in the book of Ephesians:

God loves me.

God accepts me.

God forgives me.

These were three truths that I could count on. They were rungs that I could use to help myself climb out of the pit.

I added a truth of my own:

I am a child of God.

My counselor agreed with these truths. She also added some.

I am who I am by God’s design.

God gave life to dirt. He made us in His image. My value comes from being made in the image of God.

God sees us as His children.

He delights in us.

He loves us for who we are.

Whether we believe it or not, it’s still the truth.

As a person thinks in their heart, so they are.

Those are the rungs of truth that I could use to climb out of the pit of depression.

Before I could grasp hold of a rung, however, I first needed to catch myself thinking negative thoughts.

I had to picture a stop sign.

Once I caught myself thinking a negative thought about myself, I could stop the thought from taking root.

The the next step was to replace the negative thought with a positive rung of truth. After a while, these truths became a part of who I was.

The process of climbing out of the pit did not happen overnight. Sometimes it was two steps forward and three steps back. But I continued to go to counseling and built on that foundation.

Over time and through much prayer and determination, I can say that I am safely out of that pit most of the time. When I start to slip, I try to remember what I’ve learned and keep from falling back in.

God wants me to remember that He is my heavenly Father, that He loves me and accepts me just as I am. I am His child. And I’m so thankful to God for His faithfulness in my life.

Good Monday Morning 6-27-22

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Loss.

Loss. There is no way to avoid it. In this world that is temporary, we humans will experience many kinds of losses.

This morning I am grieving the loss of my my dad. Although it’s been 17 years since he passed away, the anniversary date was this weekend.

The loss of my dad was made harder because of losing my mom the previous November. With both gone, I had no parents. The oldest generation in my immediate family was gone.

My siblings and I are now the oldest generation. My parents died too young but both lived a full life. Their Christian faith inspired me to serve the Lord in church ministry. They were both involved in their local churches since young adulthood. There are many who have expressed gratitude for my parents’ Christian influence. There will be many jewels in their heavenly crowns for the souls they won to Christ.

When my dad passed away, good friends gave us a basket of plants that my siblings gave it to me. My husband and I planted one in front of our deck. It thrived. It’s called a Spirea plant. It blooms with white flowers that turn purple. The blooms don’t last very long but…

It blooms on almost the same day that my dad passed away. This past weekend was the anniversary date. Sure enough, the white flowers popped out and are already turning purple.

Beside the plant we put a stepping stone that was given to us by the same family at the funeral of my mom. It reads, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.” It is very fitting because I treasure the memories of both Mom and Dad.

A few years ago, my youngest son asked who was buried there. I didn’t realize he thought it was a grave. I assured him no one was and that it was a memorial stone. I don’t know if he remembers his grandparents as he was only four when they passed away. But he was loved by them and their love will always be a part of him.

My parents left a legacy of faith and love that touched many lives that I pray will continue on through my children also.

Good Monday Morning 6-13

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Good Monday morning, June 13.

This is the second Monday of June. Already. It feels like summer is almost over before it has even started. It always seems to go by fast.

Last summer my son, daughter and I went to the Leelanau Peninsula in Michigan for a couple of days. We had a great time and the place we stayed was beautiful. The place is rich in history and would make a great setting for a historical series about the Coast Guard. I haven’t done any research toward that end but it is on the list of things to do.

This year we want to travel to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and see Tahquamenon Falls and visit Sault Ste. Marie. I took a week off in August, but instead of going then, during the peak of summer and heat, we decided to wait and go in early fall. Maybe we’ll see some of the fall colors while we travel.

Maybe I should say that traveling will depend on whether I can save enough money this summer to go on vacation. I’m working but my job is part-time. That is all that I can manage. I tried to increase my hours this winter and it led to an overabundance of stress. In May my hours were cut, from 12 clients a week to 8 or 9, to cut back on stress.

Now in July there will be a few new clients added. Each time I houseclean for a new client, I have to get to know their personality as well as find out how they like their house cleaned, what products they use and where their supplies are kept. So it isn’t a simple process.

It takes me a while to feel comfortable with new people and new places.

Sometimes personalities don’t mesh well, or they have unrealistic expectations. Not all clients remain on my schedule. And because of the nature of the work that I do and the clients’ ages, there are many things that factor into losing a client. My employer’s goal is to assist seniors so they can stay in their own homes as long as possible. Some of the clients I had in the past moved into nursing homes or onto their heavenly home.

Since I never know how long I will have a client on my schedule, I give each person my best. I do the best job I can cleaning with the tools that they have. I also do my best to get them talking about things that they enjoy and learn some of their history. I’m one of only a few people in their lives that they see regularly.

Knowing that makes me try harder to communicate with them and not let my own anxieties and insecurities make getting to know them difficult.

There’s a song, Confidence, by Sanctus Real. In it is the phrase, “So I can face my giants with confidence.” It When it comes on the radio, I sing the words, “So I can face my clients with confidence.” I often pray for the difficult personalities and try and stay emotionally healthy so I can continue to do my job.

Remembering the words of this song helps me keep my job in perspective. I know for a fact that it is only by the grace of God that I am able to meet new people and develop a working friendship with them.

And in the past few months on, my confidence in myself and in my ability to socialize with people has grown tremendously.

Social Isolation–On Purpose

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

Due to health issues exacerbated by anxiety, I struggled to go places socially when my husband was alive. He was always my buffer, sitting between me and other people, supporting me when I was nervous. Encouraging me to forget about what other people might be thinking and just do what I needed to do.

After he passed away, I found it hard to go out socially. I started to avoid gatherings in church and even among family. I ventured out a little bit here and there, but I never stuck with any church for very long. In fact, for eleven years after he passed away, I hadn’t attended church regularly.

Then the pandemic and resulting shutdown made things worse. It gave me a reason to isolate myself from social gatherings.

Last year I found a job that I am still holding down successfully. It doesn’t require me to sit in groups except for training a couple of times a year. There is a monthly staff meeting but it is not required. I’ve never attended.

In November I returned to the church where I’d grown up and began working in children’s ministry. Now I had an excuse not to sit in church, because I was downstairs in children’s church. I still sat through the service on special occasions.

Over the years, I’ve become adept at choosing an outside seat, or a seat at the end of a table. My sister, understanding my need for not being in close contact with people, chooses to sit between me and anyone else as a buffer, not unlike my husband used to do.

When someone sits next to me, I start to tense up. I feel the flight or fight response and my body reacts accordingly. I start to sweat. I’m unable to focus on anything going on because I am worried about what the person beside me might be thinking. I could slip into a panic attack easily.

Along with that, I’ve also developed a fear of eating in front of people, even in my own home.

Social anxiety at its worst.

I’m not alone in this, I know. I’ve talked with a couple of other people who have similar responses to crowds.

I’ve sought counseling on this matter and am advised to take a moment before I enter a social scene. Do some deep breathing, visualize a peaceful place in my mind. Calm myself before I go into the building.

It helps, when I remember to do it.

The church didn’t have potlucks in the aftermath of the pandemic but recently started them again. A couple of weeks ago, there was a baby shower after the service. I wanted to stay, as it is one of the children from class who was becoming a big sister. I bought a gift. I asked a friend if I could sit at the end of the table. I put some food on my plate and ate. I talked with my friend and others around me as I ate.

I found that it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Yesterday there was a potluck after church to welcome a new children’s ministry director. I needed to meet her, but I didn’t need to go to the potluck.

But I wanted to go. I made up a pan of baked beans (which didn’t turn out very well.). Before the dinner started, I prepared myself mentally to sit with people.

I found an open chair at the end of a table across from a lady who had been a friend of my parents. We talked.

I stood in line, forcing myself not to worry that there were people in front of and behind me. I put bits of food on my plate, and managed to eat most of it. I wanted to leave, but there was peanut butter cake on the dessert table. So I stayed and ate a piece. I introduced myself to the new director and talked a couple of minutes. Then I packed up my food and went home.

Another success.

I’d like to say I’ve overcome my social anxiety. Instead I will say that I am overcoming it through the help of the Lord.

The following verses from Psalm 94 were in my devotions Saturday morning.

18 When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
    your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
19 When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.

Psalm 94:18-19

I no longer have my husband there to physically support and buffer me from others, but God is ever present. His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. I can rest assured that He will not leave me and is with me even in those moments when I feel that fight or flight reponse from being surrounded by people.

Attending these two events at church brought me joy. I hope to continue to fellowship as the summer goes on. Each time, I will grow stronger and more comfortable with the social settings.

I hope that my thoughts here today help someone who might be going through something similar. Maybe I am an oddity. I’d add LOL but it isn’t a laughing matter. It’s very real, and it’s debilitating.

But God can help us overcome. When I feel myself slipping into anxiety, He supports me with His presence. Focusing on a key Scripture or one of my tools that the counseling has taught me can keep my feet planted instead of running away. The more I put myself out there in public, the more confidence I will gain.