Life’s Journey

The Creator of Light

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

My reading this morning was from Psalm 69.

Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold.

I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched.

Psalm 69:1-3

My study Bible says that if David is the author of this Psalm, the occasion is unknown. New Testament authors viewed this cry of a godly sufferer as foreshadowing of the sufferings of Christ.

I’m not a scholar, so I can’t tell you what this means.

What I know is how I feel when I read those 3 verses.

  1. I feel the Psalmist David understood how our emotions can range from the highest mountaintops to the deepest valleys.
  2. Since the words could also be about Christ, I feel that Jesus, too, understands what it is like to have conflicting emotions.

The emotional struggle is real. For a person with bipolar disorder, the ups can be very high and the downs can be very low, much like the Psalmist. Fortunately for me, the pendulum swing is not that extreme. I struggle mostly with depression interspersed with a few moments here and there of manic thoughts and actions.

In the past fifteen months, I’ve often shared how God brought me out of the pit of depression and brought me into the light. A couple of weeks ago, I likened my journey to that of a caterpillar in a cocoon that transforms into a butterfly.

I still feel that to be true, but unlike a butterfly, I wanted to retreat into my cocoon and ride out the mild depression I felt the past few days.

The depression might have been brought on by grief, as I lost an uncle last week. We were not close, but he was a part of my mom’s family. I pictured him as he walked through heaven’s gates, with my grandma, his mom, there to greet him with open arms. Even so, the loss of yet another family member hovered in my mind as the weekend progressed.

Throughout the weekend, I studied what the Bible has to say about creation: how God created light by the Word of His mouth.

Jesus was with God in the beginning. The same God, yet a separate identity.

In the beginning was the Word (Jesus) and the Word was with God and the Word was God.

In Him (Jesus) was life, and that life was the light of man. The light shines in the darkness…

John 1:1-2; 4, 5a

Jesus confirmed this when he called Himself the Light of the World in John 8:12.

Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.”

John 8:12

Sometimes Christians can experience emotionally dark times, but God is present with us even then. Just because we can’t see the sun on a cloudy day, its presence is still there. So God has promised to never leave us or forsake us.

God also promises one day there will be no more darkness. When we reach our heavenly home and are in the presence of God, Revelation 22:5 says,

There will be no more night. They will not need the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light.

Revelation 22:5

I am so thankful that God is the Giver of Light. He is also the God of forgiveness. And the Great Healer. May anyone who is going through a time of darkness lift their eyes toward heaven and cry out as the Psalmist did. And if you need a counselor, or a doctor-prescribed medication, to get you through the lows, don’t be afraid to reach out to a trusted source for help.

God hears our every prayer, even the words we cannot speak. He will be with us and give us light. And someday, there will be no more darkness, and no more night.

Praise the Lord.

Life’s Journey Update

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

The garage sale went really well. I spent some time with my sisters and niece and nephew and enjoyed two days in the fresh air. Even though it was windy and cold and I got sunburned, that sunshine was refreshing. The fact that I cleared out my house and earned a little pocket money made the time even better.

Things have been a little crazy with work being a strain on my health. I’ve cut back my schedule for May, cleaning for 9 people per week instead of 12. It means a reduction of 8-10 hours each paycheck, so things will be a little tight until I get back to a full schedule. I’m hoping that the next few weeks will bring positive things as I get back in the routine and good habits I started 3 years ago. I slacked off this winter and it took a toll on my health.

In spite of physically not feeling great, emotionally and mentally I am in a good place. It’s like the butterfly emerging from the cocoon. God brought me out of the Valley of the Shadow of grief and has given me new light and hope. During the time that I was in the “cocoon,” my faith grew and expanded. Now I am seeing the fruit of the growth.

The creativity for children’s church continues to soar through my mind. I’m so excited about the lessons on the Book of Acts and Armor of God. I’m drawing ideas from previous curriculum and reliable internet sources and those just spark more creativity. It’s really a blast! The curriculum I’m putting together now will be made available for other churches in the future.

As far as book writing goes, I’m also working on a holiday novella soon to be completed. I’m also updating a former manuscript to see if I can try my hand at writing in a new genre. Still in the Christian realm, but unlike my other books.

As far as the Legacy of Courage books, I’ve had people ask if I am writing a book 7. I have the outline in mind, but have not taken time to work on it. There are still a few historical details I have to iron out.

However, I’m having new covers designed for the first two Courage books, Courage to Hope and Courage to Love. Both Kindle and print copies will soon be available from Amazon. If you have the old versions, those books have not changed in content, just format.

For Book 3, Courage to Love, I have added some new scenes with Adam and his brothers plus clarified scenes with the birth of the missionaries’ baby.

At the author event today, I will have the new version of Courage to Love in print. I will also have copies of my Anaiah Press books, The Reluctant Billionaire, Angelica’s Christmas Wish and Serena’s New Year’s Wish.

Last week, I received an empty box in the mail week with an apology letter from the USPS. The copies of my self-published novel, Substitute Family books, didn’t arrive. I received a refund, but I won’t have that book available today. To refresh your memory, that’s the novel I posted a chapter per week on my blog last spring and summer.

If you can’t make it to the author event but would like to order copies of any of the books, you can do so directly from Amazon. I’ll also have some available for purchase locally.

I hope you enjoy another sunny day. I plan to be inside today, and hopefully my sunburn will heal without any ill effects.

If I Were a Butterfly

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

“If I were a butterfly, I’d thank You, Lord, for giving me wings…”

One of the songs we used to sing with hand motions in church when I was a young teen. I loved it and it stuck around in my head for years as I moved into adulthood and had kids of my own. Now that my kids are grown, I am back working in children’s ministry. And the song came to mind again.

You see, last November I went through a personal slump that lasted through the middle of February. Yet, at the same time, I became involved in planning lessons and activities for children’s church. After an 11 year hiatus from regular church attendance, just sporadic and occasional, other than a brief time when I worked on a children’s program, I finally returned to the fold at the church where I was raised, married and held my husband’s funeral in. I was finally able to sit in church and not remember the bittersweet memories of my losses.

Quite honestly, I didn’t think I would be here again. I thought I had given up children’s ministry years ago, saying I couldn’t relate to children anymore. And the thing is, I didn’t give God enough credit for what He could do in my heart, and in my life.

Guiding me back to church, and placing me in ministry, was a beautiful gift. A promise fulfilled. And we are developing an exciting program that is touching children and families. The more ideas I get for lessons and activities, the more ideas come to me. It’s like my mind rolls over these thoughts into plans, and I have a great team that helps me carry them out.

Of course, with the bipolar disorder, I have to be careful that excitement doesn’t cross over into mania. And at this point, I don’t see it happening. Although I am going for a “checkup” to my therapist this week, just to go over the changes in the past few weeks and how I am coping in my everyday life.

And the anxiety is still there is social surroundings. Also some health issues that make it uncomfortable to be in groups. But some things I have to live with, and other things God is healing, it will take time. But even Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he asked God to remove. In Romans 12, Paul writes:

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

If Paul said God’s grace was sufficient in His weakness, because God’s power made Him strong, than I can do no less for myself.

I’ve experienced some dark times in my life. I’ve lived in the shadows for years since my husband’s death. In the aftermath of grief, I believe we walk in the “Valley of the Shadows” (Psalms 23:4) The verse says, the shadow of death, but I believe we who who lose our loved ones also find ourselves in that valley. There is no time table for our recovery, no pat phrases or Bible verses that can bring us miraculously out from the shadows. Time, the support of others, for me, listening to spiritual songs and hymns, can help us find the light again.

In the past few months I feel like I am living in the light of what God has in store for me. I haven’t been writing any fiction. Instead, I’ve focused on lessons and plans for children’s church as well as working my day job as a homemaker aide for senior citizens. I can feel the vibrancy of God in my spirit as I stretch my horizons and find confidence in who I am and in my skills.

In November, I saw the above necklace advertised and it immediately drew me in. It’s rose gold, which is a beautiful color. I haven’t bought jewelry for myself for a long time, and yet I purchased this one.

Now that I have walked through the valley of the shadows and feel the light of the Son on my life, I feel a lot like this butterfly. The butterfly wraps itself in a cocoon and spends time in the darkness as it grows and changes. When the time is right, it breaks free from its cocoon and flies away.

God has chosen the butterfly to represent new life in Him. I am so thankful today that God was with me in the shadows, growing my faith, teaching me to listen to His word, crying out to Him when I was so lonely and in pain. My life isn’t perfect now, as mentioned above. But God’s power is made perfect in my weakness.

Please consider today that God has you in the palm of His hand. Maybe you are in the darkness, maybe you are walking in shadows, and perhaps you are living in the light, but wherever you find yourself, God is with you. He will see you through.

It is Well with My Soul

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

(I’m almost embarrassed to post this today after my recent Facebook post stating that in my own part of the world, there was peace in my mind and in my heart.)

Today didn’t start off very well. I stopped for gas on the way to work and pulled up to the pump on the driver’s side. I’d forgotten that my gas tank is on the passenger side. I turned the car around. Then as I started pumping gas, I also started to cry.

Another aunt passed away recently. And we lost another classmate. In one part of the world farmilies are being separated by war. So much loss of life.

I’d felt a heaviness all weekend and now that feeling was coming out in tears.

Since I was starting to let my emotions get the best of me, after pumping gas I pulled into an empty parking space. I took out my phone and called my counselor. I told her I was sorry for bothering her but told her that I felt overwhelmed with my emotions starting to spin out of control.

“Did you use your tools?” she asked.

Uh, no.

I knew what she meant. Not tools like a hammer and screwdriver, but actions I can take to helm me manage my emotions. Tools that I talked about in previous posts last summer when I was doing well.

You’d think by now these actions would be engrained in me so that when emotional moments come up, I can put them to right away.

Instead, I try to do everything on my own. To push my feelings inside and handle life’s struggles. Then when it becomes overwhelming, I fall apart.

After a mini breakdown a few months ago in my car on the way to work (which seems to be the time when I fall apart), I wrote down these actions on index cards and put them in my car.

Some of these tools are standard for anyone who is dealing with the anxiety and depression, but these are the order in which I have them in my vehicle. Some I came up with or personalized.

Card #1:

Take a few deep breaths to slow down my thoughts.

Card #2:

Listen to or sing, “It is Well with my Soul.” (My favorite rendition of the song is in the video link below.)

Card #3:

Tighten all muscles, then relax.

Card #4:

Remember: “Feelings are not Facts”.

F-A-T:

Feelings affect our thoughts which affect our actions.

Card #5:

Remember this Bible verse:

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”

James 4:8

Card #6:

Picture myself in a serene place.

For me it was the lavendar field where we went in July, overlooking the lake. I remember how relaxed I felt that day, how utterly at peace my thoughts were.

How fleeting peace can be!

I know I have a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes all in the same day or in this case, the same weekend. Living with the challenges I face is not easy. Sometimes I say half-jokingly that “It’s so hard to be me.”

For some reason, unlike “normal” people, I don’t handle my emotions well under stress or during grief. Or maybe I’m one of the few who seek outside help with managing my emotions during those times.

I’m not too embarrassed to be real and honest here. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way. We all have our ups and downs. None of us go through life untouched by grief.

After I reviewed my index cards and listened to the song, “It is well with my Soul,” I was able to grab hold of that peace and go on with my day. I didn’t cancel any clients. I made it through the day, and actually enjoyed socializing with the people I was working for.

So the tools that my counselor taught me and that I expressed in posts last summer do really work. Progress is being made. In January, I had a mini breakdown and took three days off from work. Today, I had a mini breakdown and didn’t miss any jobs. I don’t know what is possible, but as another card:

Card #7:

Live one day at a time. Un dia a la vez.

Sadly, none of us is promised tomorrow. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Life is frail, and it can be gone in the blink of an eye.

A heart can stop beating at any time, and for so many, death came unexpectedly.

This hymn is one of my favorites and its message is so powerful. “Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul.”

From the Vault: Unconditional Love

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Before planning my own wedding, I had no idea of the details and decisions we would need to make. A wedding dress and veil, rings, registries, invitations, musicians, and…cake napkins? We didn’t have a lot of time or money to work with. We had to sacrifice some of the things we wanted to save money.

One of the things we saved money on was our wedding cake. There were two people we knew who did wedding cakes as a side business and neither of them could make ours. One suggested we make our own cake. So we decided to. Since it was a February wedding and close to Valentine’s Day, we went with a heart-shaped cake.

Or rather, several of them. Different flavors included chocolate, carrot cake and cherry chip cake. We, meaning my fiancé Pat and I, mixed up the batter and baked the heart-shaped cakes in my mom’s kitchen. We coated the baked cakes with an icing glaze to keep them moist.

My sister iced and decorated the cake and added some sugared hearts that a friend helped her make. A friend gave us a musical figurine that we used as a cake topper. It wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty, and uniquely ours.

We had way too much cake left over. I think we were eating it for weeks. We put the top layer in the freezer for our one-year anniversary, but we didn’t eat it when that day came. The thought of eating one-year-old cake, even though it had been preserved by freezing it, didn’t appeal to us.

We didn’t just have cake left over. We also ended up with about 50 unused cake napkins. We packed them away and planned to take them out on our 25th anniversary , when we would have family and friends gather to celebrate.

However, we didn’t make it to our 25th anniversary. Not because we fell out of love, but because a tragic work accident took Pat’s life after just 20 years of marriage.

1 Corinthians 13 is known as the Love Chapter. It is incorporated into many wedding ceremonies. I don’t remember if it was read at ours, because my head was in the clouds that day.

…Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

These verses speak of unconditional love. Pat loved me unconditionally. He was my rock, my biggest supporter, provider and protector. I miss him, but God is healing my grief. I’m learning to stand on my own two feet, with the love and support of family and friends.

Our “Happy Ever After” was cut short, but I’m grateful for the twenty years we had together.