grief

From the Archives: You Prepare a Table Before Me

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…”

Psalm 23:5-6a

Today marks the end of a pretty good week. Drama free, no missed work or car problems. It was payday yesterday so that makes it even better. I was able to catch up on a couple of bills and buy a few essentials.

The above verses from Psalm 23 follow verse 4: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”

You’ve probably heard me say that losing someone you love so much is like going through the Valley of the Shadow of Grief. Their death, not yours, but it affects every aspect of your life. There is no part of your day that your loss doesn’t touch, at least in the beginning.

I feel like I came through the shadows and into the light of God’s grace. I’ve shared most of my journey on this blog in previous posts.

The shadows linger over my head at times, like during the past month when the struggles of life bombarded me and were almost more than I could take.

Almost.

There is no question that the love and support of my family and friends brought me through.

I specifically asked for prayer last week when I was faced with a staff training day which meant sitting in a room with 30 other people. I didn’t find the chair comfortable, I was in the middle of the room, not the back or off by myself, which meant I felt claustrophobic, and IBS kicked in. But the seminar was on dealing with anxiety and stress, and by the time it was over my anxiety symptoms had faded.

One of the other homemaker aides took me under her wing that day, knowing I had problems with anxiety. She gave me the end seat at lunch, becoming the buffer between other employees and myself.

The company paid for lunch, then we bowled afterwards. My new friend invited me to be on her team, along with two other women from our department.

I had fun.
I was suprised at that.

I haven’t bowled for 20 years and I had a horrible score.

But I laughed a lot. I enjoyed myself in the company of my new friends.

I have not socialized aside from family and church for a long time, so it was a good experience for me. Sure, I had some socially awkward moments, but for the most part I felt good about the day’s events.

God prepared that table before me, in the restaurant and at the bowling alley. The employer is not my enemy and the other workers aren’t enemies, either.

No, the enemies that surrounded me that day were fear, anxiety and insecurity.

God anointed that time and place. He saw ahead and paved the way through my new friend, a table that had an open spot on the end, and a group that I was comfortable bowling with.

Although we had time to play three games and two of my teammates did so, I stopped after one. I don’t have great balance and I feared I would take a fall. It wasn’t so much fear as caution.

Even after I quit bowling, I spent time socializing and stretching outside the box.

For that afternoon, I forgot all about my troubles.

My cup of joy and laughter overflowed.

I had asked for prayer to get through the day, and I know many of my friends and family responded. I could feel the difference.

Happy Independence Day!

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

I thought I was independent as a young adult when I went off to college, then traveled to Mexico. I THOUGHT I was independent when in 1988 I went back to Mexico and stayed for six months teaching.

The situation where I lived wasn’t working out. I’d been independent here in the U.S., but there I didn’t know how to cook or clean or anything to their standards. The meals I tried to cook weren’t well received so I gave up. I ate most of my meals out even if it was just a yogurt and fresh fruit.

One day I had terrible stomach cramps and the woman I was living with took me to see the doctor. Later that day, I rode the bus to school as usual. I met up with some friends who invited me to their house.

Later that evening, they took me back to the place where I was staying. One of the sisters said, “She is going to scold you.” (Meaning my housemate.)

Well, she certainly did. After I said goodbye to the sisters and walked into the house, my housemate let me have it. For over an hour I sat at the table and listened to her tell me that she had called hospitals and everyone she knew to see where I had been. It was in the days before cell phones. I didn’t even have her phone number if I’d wanted to call and tell her I’d be late. Along with that, she blasted me. “You depend too much on your mommy.”

Me? Dependent on my mom?

I was offended at that. After all, I’d been out of school 5 years and had lived on my own most of that time. I’d been financially independent for most of that time period also.

But looking at it from her standpoint, I was lazy and didn’t do my share.

That was the beginning of the end for me. I began to get homesick and desperate to make it through the next few weeks until the classes I was teaching were finished. I didn’t try to fit in anymore.

I came home and started a new job, found a new place to live, bought a car. I met my husband and we got married nine months later. I was still independent, up until we had our first child. Then I became a stay-at-home mom.

As a mom with young children and with a husband who worked long hours, I did become dependent on my mom. She helped out with the kids, went with me on errands, and was always just a phone call away. Even when she was going through her illness I could still call and she would listen to my complaints.

She was very helpful during the time that I had my nervous breakdown when I was hospitalized, and after I returned home. She ended up getting sick and passing away a couple of years later.

It was about that time when my dependence shifted to my husband. I could no longer attend social functions without his presence there to buffer me and shield me from nervousness. He carried the financial burden of my doctor appointments and medicine without complaint. As I gradually got better, I became more independent. I even got a job and contributed to the household finances.

But I still relied on him to support me when we went places. I didn’t like to go without him. So when I lost him in August 2010, it took a long time before I could get back to my independence.

As I’ve shared in previous blog posts, through counseling, medication and emotional support, I’ve managed to come through the Valley of the Shadow of Grief and come out the other side, stronger than before. I have arrived at a secure place in my life. Lately I’ve become involved in church and attended social functions without that anxiety eating me up inside.

I’d like to say I’m independent, but financially I rely on my adult children who live with me as they share in paying utilities and pay for everything for our rescued cats, including food, litter and vet care. That could change in the future, and I am working toward the goal of becoming financially solid by the time I’m 60. (Not too many years away, unfortunately).

Although I have put the past behind me, I will always remember the words of my housemate in Mexico when she said, “You depend too much on your mommy.” It keeps me humble to realize that I wasn’t all that I thought I was.

Climbing Out of Depression: Key Steps to Healing

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

I published this post a few years ago. Every now and then I read back over it to remind myself of the steps I took to get out of the pit of depression. God’s eternal truths never change. And by clinging to those truths, we can rise above thoughts that lead us into depression.

I started going to a Christian counselor in October 2013 to help me through the depression I was stuck in.

I’m certain God led me to this counselor, as she and her husband were missionaries in Saltillo, Mexico, in the same year that I studied there. Not only that, but she studied Spanish at the same language institute that I did there in Saltillo, just not at the same exact time. It was enough of a connection to believe that God brought her into my life to help me heal.

One of the first things my counselor did was share with me Psalm 40:1-2.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.

The verses describe what it feels like to live in depression and grief.

My counselor gave me the word picture that there is a pit of depression, but there are rungs to help us climb out of it.

The rungs are truths that we know. For a Christian, those truths are founded in the Word of God.

My late husband had made notes in the margins of his Bible. Icame across these words he’d written in the book of Ephesians:

God loves me.

God accepts me.

God forgives me.

These were three truths that I could count on. They were rungs that I could use to help myself climb out of the pit.

I added a truth of my own:

I am a child of God.

My counselor agreed with these truths. She also added some.

I am who I am by God’s design.

God gave life to dirt. He made us in His image. My value comes from being made in the image of God.

God sees us as His children.

He delights in us.

He loves us for who we are.

Whether we believe it or not, it’s still the truth.

As a person thinks in their heart, so they are.

Those are the rungs of truth that I could use to climb out of the pit of depression.

Before I could grasp hold of a rung, however, I first needed to catch myself thinking negative thoughts.

I had to picture a stop sign.

Once I caught myself thinking a negative thought about myself, I could stop the thought from taking root.

The the next step was to replace the negative thought with a positive rung of truth. After a while, these truths became a part of who I was.

The process of climbing out of the pit did not happen overnight. Sometimes it was two steps forward and three steps back. But I continued to go to counseling and built on that foundation.

Over time and through much prayer and determination, I can say that I am safely out of that pit most of the time. When I start to slip, I try to remember what I’ve learned and keep from falling back in.

God wants me to remember that He is my heavenly Father, that He loves me and accepts me just as I am. I am His child. And I’m so thankful to God for His faithfulness in my life.

Good Monday Morning 6-27-22

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Loss.

Loss. There is no way to avoid it. In this world that is temporary, we humans will experience many kinds of losses.

This morning I am grieving the loss of my my dad. Although it’s been 17 years since he passed away, the anniversary date was this weekend.

The loss of my dad was made harder because of losing my mom the previous November. With both gone, I had no parents. The oldest generation in my immediate family was gone.

My siblings and I are now the oldest generation. My parents died too young but both lived a full life. Their Christian faith inspired me to serve the Lord in church ministry. They were both involved in their local churches since young adulthood. There are many who have expressed gratitude for my parents’ Christian influence. There will be many jewels in their heavenly crowns for the souls they won to Christ.

When my dad passed away, good friends gave us a basket of plants that my siblings gave it to me. My husband and I planted one in front of our deck. It thrived. It’s called a Spirea plant. It blooms with white flowers that turn purple. The blooms don’t last very long but…

It blooms on almost the same day that my dad passed away. This past weekend was the anniversary date. Sure enough, the white flowers popped out and are already turning purple.

Beside the plant we put a stepping stone that was given to us by the same family at the funeral of my mom. It reads, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.” It is very fitting because I treasure the memories of both Mom and Dad.

A few years ago, my youngest son asked who was buried there. I didn’t realize he thought it was a grave. I assured him no one was and that it was a memorial stone. I don’t know if he remembers his grandparents as he was only four when they passed away. But he was loved by them and their love will always be a part of him.

My parents left a legacy of faith and love that touched many lives that I pray will continue on through my children also.

It is Well with My Soul

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

(I’m almost embarrassed to post this today after my recent Facebook post stating that in my own part of the world, there was peace in my mind and in my heart.)

Today didn’t start off very well. I stopped for gas on the way to work and pulled up to the pump on the driver’s side. I’d forgotten that my gas tank is on the passenger side. I turned the car around. Then as I started pumping gas, I also started to cry.

Another aunt passed away recently. And we lost another classmate. In one part of the world farmilies are being separated by war. So much loss of life.

I’d felt a heaviness all weekend and now that feeling was coming out in tears.

Since I was starting to let my emotions get the best of me, after pumping gas I pulled into an empty parking space. I took out my phone and called my counselor. I told her I was sorry for bothering her but told her that I felt overwhelmed with my emotions starting to spin out of control.

“Did you use your tools?” she asked.

Uh, no.

I knew what she meant. Not tools like a hammer and screwdriver, but actions I can take to helm me manage my emotions. Tools that I talked about in previous posts last summer when I was doing well.

You’d think by now these actions would be engrained in me so that when emotional moments come up, I can put them to right away.

Instead, I try to do everything on my own. To push my feelings inside and handle life’s struggles. Then when it becomes overwhelming, I fall apart.

After a mini breakdown a few months ago in my car on the way to work (which seems to be the time when I fall apart), I wrote down these actions on index cards and put them in my car.

Some of these tools are standard for anyone who is dealing with the anxiety and depression, but these are the order in which I have them in my vehicle. Some I came up with or personalized.

Card #1:

Take a few deep breaths to slow down my thoughts.

Card #2:

Listen to or sing, “It is Well with my Soul.” (My favorite rendition of the song is in the video link below.)

Card #3:

Tighten all muscles, then relax.

Card #4:

Remember: “Feelings are not Facts”.

F-A-T:

Feelings affect our thoughts which affect our actions.

Card #5:

Remember this Bible verse:

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”

James 4:8

Card #6:

Picture myself in a serene place.

For me it was the lavendar field where we went in July, overlooking the lake. I remember how relaxed I felt that day, how utterly at peace my thoughts were.

How fleeting peace can be!

I know I have a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes all in the same day or in this case, the same weekend. Living with the challenges I face is not easy. Sometimes I say half-jokingly that “It’s so hard to be me.”

For some reason, unlike “normal” people, I don’t handle my emotions well under stress or during grief. Or maybe I’m one of the few who seek outside help with managing my emotions during those times.

I’m not too embarrassed to be real and honest here. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way. We all have our ups and downs. None of us go through life untouched by grief.

After I reviewed my index cards and listened to the song, “It is well with my Soul,” I was able to grab hold of that peace and go on with my day. I didn’t cancel any clients. I made it through the day, and actually enjoyed socializing with the people I was working for.

So the tools that my counselor taught me and that I expressed in posts last summer do really work. Progress is being made. In January, I had a mini breakdown and took three days off from work. Today, I had a mini breakdown and didn’t miss any jobs. I don’t know what is possible, but as another card:

Card #7:

Live one day at a time. Un dia a la vez.

Sadly, none of us is promised tomorrow. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Life is frail, and it can be gone in the blink of an eye.

A heart can stop beating at any time, and for so many, death came unexpectedly.

This hymn is one of my favorites and its message is so powerful. “Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul.”