Loss. There is no way to avoid it. In this world that is temporary, we humans will experience many kinds of losses.
This morning I am grieving the loss of my my dad. Although it’s been 17 years since he passed away, the anniversary date was this weekend.
The loss of my dad was made harder because of losing my mom the previous November. With both gone, I had no parents. The oldest generation in my immediate family was gone.
My siblings and I are now the oldest generation. My parents died too young but both lived a full life. Their Christian faith inspired me to serve the Lord in church ministry. They were both involved in their local churches since young adulthood. There are many who have expressed gratitude for my parents’ Christian influence. There will be many jewels in their heavenly crowns for the souls they won to Christ.
When my dad passed away, good friends gave us a basket of plants that my siblings gave it to me. My husband and I planted one in front of our deck. It thrived. It’s called a Spirea plant. It blooms with white flowers that turn purple. The blooms don’t last very long but…
It blooms on almost the same day that my dad passed away. This past weekend was the anniversary date. Sure enough, the white flowers popped out and are already turning purple.
Beside the plant we put a stepping stone that was given to us by the same family at the funeral of my mom. It reads, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.” It is very fitting because I treasure the memories of both Mom and Dad.
A few years ago, my youngest son asked who was buried there. I didn’t realize he thought it was a grave. I assured him no one was and that it was a memorial stone. I don’t know if he remembers his grandparents as he was only four when they passed away. But he was loved by them and their love will always be a part of him.
My parents left a legacy of faith and love that touched many lives that I pray will continue on through my children also.
(I’m almost embarrassed to post this today after my recent Facebook post stating that in my own part of the world, there was peace in my mind and in my heart.)
Today didn’t start off very well. I stopped for gas on the way to work and pulled up to the pump on the driver’s side. I’d forgotten that my gas tank is on the passenger side. I turned the car around. Then as I started pumping gas, I also started to cry.
Another aunt passed away recently. And we lost another classmate. In one part of the world farmilies are being separated by war. So much loss of life.
I’d felt a heaviness all weekend and now that feeling was coming out in tears.
Since I was starting to let my emotions get the best of me, after pumping gas I pulled into an empty parking space. I took out my phone and called my counselor. I told her I was sorry for bothering her but told her that I felt overwhelmed with my emotions starting to spin out of control.
“Did you use your tools?” she asked.
Uh, no.
I knew what she meant. Not tools like a hammer and screwdriver, but actions I can take to helm me manage my emotions. Tools that I talked about in previous posts last summer when I was doing well.
You’d think by now these actions would be engrained in me so that when emotional moments come up, I can put them to right away.
Instead, I try to do everything on my own. To push my feelings inside and handle life’s struggles. Then when it becomes overwhelming, I fall apart.
After a mini breakdown a few months ago in my car on the way to work (which seems to be the time when I fall apart), I wrote down these actions on index cards and put them in my car.
Some of these tools are standard for anyone who is dealing with the anxiety and depression, but these are the order in which I have them in my vehicle. Some I came up with or personalized.
Card #1:
Take a few deep breaths to slow down my thoughts.
Card #2:
Listen to or sing, “It is Well with my Soul.” (My favorite rendition of the song is in the video link below.)
Card #3:
Tighten all muscles, then relax.
Card #4:
Remember: “Feelings are not Facts”.
F-A-T:
Feelings affect our thoughts which affect our actions.
Card #5:
Remember this Bible verse:
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”
James 4:8
Card #6:
Picture myself in a serene place.
For me it was the lavendar field where we went in July, overlooking the lake. I remember how relaxed I felt that day, how utterly at peace my thoughts were.
How fleeting peace can be!
I know I have a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes all in the same day or in this case, the same weekend. Living with the challenges I face is not easy. Sometimes I say half-jokingly that “It’s so hard to be me.”
For some reason, unlike “normal” people, I don’t handle my emotions well under stress or during grief. Or maybe I’m one of the few who seek outside help with managing my emotions during those times.
I’m not too embarrassed to be real and honest here. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way. We all have our ups and downs. None of us go through life untouched by grief.
After I reviewed my index cards and listened to the song, “It is well with my Soul,” I was able to grab hold of that peace and go on with my day. I didn’t cancel any clients. I made it through the day, and actually enjoyed socializing with the people I was working for.
So the tools that my counselor taught me and that I expressed in posts last summer do really work. Progress is being made. In January, I had a mini breakdown and took three days off from work. Today, I had a mini breakdown and didn’t miss any jobs. I don’t know what is possible, but as another card:
Card #7:
Live one day at a time. Un dia a la vez.
Sadly, none of us is promised tomorrow. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Life is frail, and it can be gone in the blink of an eye.
A heart can stop beating at any time, and for so many, death came unexpectedly.
This hymn is one of my favorites and its message is so powerful. “Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul.”
I sat back and read most of the weekend when what I really needed to do was write. I had my son set up my microphone/headset this morning and am going to try the dictation program again. It makes a lot of errors, but it is faster and easier to get into character when I’m talking through it instead of typing.
This morning I woke up grumpy. I wasn’t very nice to my kids. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
Then, I did know.
GRIEF
It’s part of the grieving process to get angry, and for a short time this morning, the anger broke through the peace. I’m sure there will be more moments like that as I go through this week, feeling just a little off from what has become a peaceful and confident life.
This Monday starts a difficult week for me emotionally. Eleven years ago tomorrow, a coworker of my husband came to my door around 11 a.m. and told me Pat had been hurt and he was taking me to the hospital. He’d been electrocuted when the arm of a truck he was working on hit a power line. After a few days in the hospital, he passed away on 8/21/2010.
The rock that I had leaned on for the 20 years while we were married was gone, and I had to learn to live life, and raise my kids, on my own.
Yet I was never really alone. I had the amazing support of family and friends. Even people I didn’t know very well were praying for me. There were some rough patches, but through it all, God brought healing from the grief.
Still, even though the feeling of loss is most often not present, this week brings it all back.
This morning I take the time to honor a wonderful man.
I think I fell in love with him at first sight but managed to hide it for a few months (there’s a story there). When we did start dating, it didn’t take me long to realize he was the one. I bought a bassinet at a garage sale and started looking at wedding dresses.
We started dating in May, and by August we started talking about a winter wedding. He proposed the night before Thanksgiving, and I returned to work with an exquisite diamond on my hand and a permanent smile on my face.
We weren’t sure when to have the wedding. My grandma said February was a good month to get married because there was nothing going on in February. We planned a wedding around Valentine’s Day. I had stars in my eyes and my head in the clouds for those weeks leading up to the wedding. We decided to wait until our wedding night to become intimate, due to our faith and traditional values.
The night of rehearsal, we had a blizzard. The next day, our wedding day, was sunny and bright. We took a short honeymoon and I moved into his trailer, and we made a home.
It was a good life. Not perfect, but we loved each other. After we had our kids, there were some hectic years, but we still kept the romance alive.
When the accident happened, we were in a good place in our marriage. On Sunday mornings we enjoyed a cup of coffee together and attended a new church, where we’d decided to settle after years of searching.
Our sons were in football, our daughter was in marching band, and we were both working. Things weren’t perfect at our jobs, but we were getting through life the best we could.
When Pat passed away, he left life insurance. He was hurt at work, so there was compensation from that. We were pretty well set financially. I paid off the house and got some major work done while I had the life insurance money.
When it ran out, and my son aged out of the Social Security Survivor’s Benefit, I struggled financially. I had previously been unable to work, diagnosed with some mental health issues. I tried for disability but was denied every time. I got a job working as a caregiver to my cousin, but when she passed away, I had to start over again.
By God’s grace, a job opened up for me as a housekeeping aide for the Commission on Aging. I like what I do. I have met some amazing seniors with great stories.
The pay isn’t enough to meet my needs, however. This week I will return to the deli where I was working when my husband passed away, making salads and sandwiches and taking care of stock, for 6-10 hours per week. It’s four miles from home. The extra income will tip the scales to allow me to pay for big expenses that come up as well as save some money for the future.
With two books published and a contract for a third, I am living my dream of being an author. I have several future books in progress. And I haven’t forgotten about the Courage series, which was so popular when I was self-published.
As I take this moment and reflect back on what I lost, a good husband and my faithful partner in life, I also acknowledge what God has blessed me with:
Good friends, a supportive family, and a job that brings me peace of mind. I’m healthy and have a great future ahead of me. God will be with me every step of the way, and I praise Him for the work he has done, and will continue to do, in my life.
Inspirational Author 