grief

Naomi’s Daughters

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

I’ve posted much about the loss of my husband which is going on 15 years this August. Feels more like 8 years. But God has brought healing through the grief. I have wonderful memories of my husband but the pain of losing him is almost gone. It creeps up on me during the annivesary dates, and I struggle emotionally for a few days around that time, but it doesn’t weigh on me every day.

We started a support group for widows specifically and call it Naomi’s Daughters. The Naomi of the Bible lost her husband and sons and the Bible tells us she was bitter. The pain that accompanies such a tremendous loss is crushing and it is far too easy to let bitterness grow roots.

I’ve come through my loss without bitterness. My faith has grown and the Grace of God has sustained me through it all. I’m not an expert on grief, but today I share some thoughts on what has made a difference for me.

The path through grief is not the same for everyone but the emotions that go along with it are shared by many. I will focus on these two today:

Anger: God can handle our anger. Like an earthly father, He has broad shoulders. We can pound on his proverbial chest in our anger and grief. But we don’t stay in that emotional state. We release our anger, and we lean into him. We allow His presence and His love to wrap us up and embrace us and hold us until our tears subside. This doesn’t happen once, or even a dozen times. As often as anger fills us, we seek our solace in our Heavenly Father.

Loneliness: The loneliness is unbearable at times. We have traveled through life with our dearest companion and now they are no longer with us. No matter the ages of our children, we will spend much time alone with our thoughts and with our grief. What do I do when I feel so lonely I don’t think I can go on? I cry out to Jesus, sometimes silently, sometimes out loud. I play music that lifts up my spirit. There are songs for every mood available on music apps. I have several playlists that help me through those hard times. And in those times, my heart becomes settled again. I have peace.

Again, why Naomi’s daughters?

We too have suffered the loss of our husbands, (or spouses, or children).

But we don’t have to allow that bitterness to take root.

We can unleash our anger in our Father’s presence and lean into Him for comfort. We remember that God is our Heavenly Father, that He is always with us, and that He has a plan for our lives that we cannot comprehend. He is faithful. He will bring about good in our lives. We don’t understand why we lost our loved one, and for me, I will never fully understand it this side of heaven. The grief looks like the underside of a cross stitched pillowcase my mom made for me. It’s a tangled mess of threads, snarls. But the upper side is beautiful. When I make it to heaven one day, I’ll look back on my life and I will see the beautiful picture God has woven through all the moments of my life.

We can cry out to Jesus in our loneliness. He understands our loneliness. We remember places in Scripture where Jesus sought comfort from his Father in heaven. He knew loneliness even when surrounded by people. He knew despair. He cried out to God in the garden and accepted God’s purpose for his life. He endured the lonely death on the cross because he knew the glory that awaited him in heaven. Jesus longs to walk this road through grief with us. We are never truly alone.

From the Archives:  Finding Joy Again

/ Carol Underhill / 2 Comments

Having an Advent wreath in my home is something that I didn’t start until a year or two after my husband passed away. At the time, I was looking for a way to make Christmas more meaningful to my son, who was in elementary school at the time. So I bought an Advent wreath. It was plain with brackets for the candles, so I made it more festive with fake greenery I had on hand.

I purchased the candles as a set. I bought a long lighter and a candle snuffer so my son could participate in the lighting of the candles. (His favorite part being “unlighting” them.)

For a few years, we did this together, then he reached his teens and no longer cared to participate.

I continued setting up my Advent wreath at Christmastime and lighting the candles each year. (I always have to dig out the little pamphlet that tells what each candle means, but that’s okay.)

I’m not always a frugal person, but in this instance, I was. Year after year I used the same candles until they were melted down about halfway.

This year I decided it was time for new candles. I ordered some online.

When they arrived I was disappointed that one had cracks in it. And they didn’t quite fit my wreath.

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As you can see from the picture above, they are leaning a little.

This year it was hard for me to think about lighting the candle for Joy. We’ve experienced loss in our extended family and a very dear friend also began her journey with grief. I didn’t really feel the joy of the season, so I didn’t light the candle.

Now it was nearly the close of the third week of Advent. And I still had not lit my candles.

Today, as I went about my day, the words of the song, “Through all of It” by Colton Dixon kept coming to me.

(I’ll post the link to the YouTube video below).

The lyrics that were running through mind are:

“I have Won, I have Lost, I got it right but sometimes I have not. Life’s been a journey, I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret, but You have been my God through all of it.”


I played the song on my music app. I read the lyrics as I listened. 
After listening to the whole song, I was inspired to light my Advent candles.
I lit the candles for Hope, Peace, and yes, I even lit the candle for Joy (The pink one).

The words of the song are so true. My life has been a journey. There’s been times of both joy and pain, it seems, and oh so many regrets.

As you can see in the photo, my candles are leaning a little. My Joy candle is not very strong in its position.

Sort of like my emotions this year.

My Joy is faltering a little. It isn’t very strong.

But I was still able to light it, and while leaning, the candle is secure in its brass holder. (Like we are in God’s love.)

It was only lit for a minute or two, while I played through the song, “Through all of It.”

By taking this moment in my day to focus on the reason for this season, I felt hope that there will again be joyous celebrations ahead.

As promised, here is a link to the Lyrics video on YouTube, “Through all of It” by Colton Dixon.

The End Goal

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Our Detroit Tigers worked hard playing baseball but didn’t quite make it to their goal.

On the other hand, our Detroit Lions are consistently winning their football games after many years of living with defeat.

Football and baseball players invest their lives in the sport and work hard towards the goal of winning championship titles.

I never liked playing sports. I couldn’t hit, throw or catch a baseball. The one time I played backyard football I didn’t realize when the quarterback threw the ball to me I couldn’t throw it to someone else. Everyone was running towards me, and I wanted to get the ball out of my hands.

Could I have become better with more practice?

Maybe I could have, but you never know. I didn’t try.

My goal in school wasn’t to play on sports. No, it was to write stories that other people could read.

I attended college with an eye on journalism. I got sidetracked when I went on to Mexico to study, then returned a few years later to teach.

My goal at that time was to become a mission–or rather, a Missus. I had my eye on the prize, wanting to become a bride. When my husband came into my life, I got caught up in a whirlwind of romance and married him nine months later. (No regrets).

Now my goal became to have children. So a year and a half after our wedding, our first child was born, then a year and a half after that, our daughter. (No regrets).

Okay, a boy and a girl. A few years later, we made the choice to try for one more, and successfully became a family of 5. (No regrets).

Then my husband passed away while my older two were teenagers and youngest only ten.

Now we were a broken family circle.

I felt defeated. Lost and confused. Angry and trying not to question God. My husband used to say, we’re all going to die sometime. But why him, why now?

And how could I possibly go on without him?

One day at a time.

One song at a time played in those moments when I needed the extra words.

Time after time of crying out to God in my loneliness and heartache.

I got up each morning, got the kids off to school, took the dog out in the yard.

Yet daily I struggled with grief compounded by mental health issues.

Over time it became apparent that I needed help to get to a better place in life.

I found that help. I stuck with it, worked hard on the things I could change and got back into church.

Today I am coping with life better than I thought I ever would. I have minor setbacks and defeats, but overall I am in a good place.

My goal is back to writing stories, where I first began in high school. Fortunately, none of those are still in existence. One time on a whim, I tossed them all in the dumpster. (No regrets).

What are some of my other goals today?

To maintain a purpose in life. To work hard and support myself financially.

To love my kids without reservation and to make good memories with them.

To encourage others who are on various paths in life and judge them not.

My end goal?

To meet Jesus and finally learn the answers to all the questions I’ve had in this life. To dance for joy in his presence.

Go Detroit Lions! Win big this year.

From the Archives: You Prepare a Table Before Me

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life…”

Psalm 23:5-6a

Today marks the end of a pretty good week. Drama free, no missed work or car problems. It was payday yesterday so that makes it even better. I was able to catch up on a couple of bills and buy a few essentials.

The above verses from Psalm 23 follow verse 4: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”

You’ve probably heard me say that losing someone you love so much is like going through the Valley of the Shadow of Grief. Their death, not yours, but it affects every aspect of your life. There is no part of your day that your loss doesn’t touch, at least in the beginning.

I feel like I came through the shadows and into the light of God’s grace. I’ve shared most of my journey on this blog in previous posts.

The shadows linger over my head at times, like during the past month when the struggles of life bombarded me and were almost more than I could take.

Almost.

There is no question that the love and support of my family and friends brought me through.

I specifically asked for prayer last week when I was faced with a staff training day which meant sitting in a room with 30 other people. I didn’t find the chair comfortable, I was in the middle of the room, not the back or off by myself, which meant I felt claustrophobic, and IBS kicked in. But the seminar was on dealing with anxiety and stress, and by the time it was over my anxiety symptoms had faded.

One of the other homemaker aides took me under her wing that day, knowing I had problems with anxiety. She gave me the end seat at lunch, becoming the buffer between other employees and myself.

The company paid for lunch, then we bowled afterwards. My new friend invited me to be on her team, along with two other women from our department.

I had fun.
I was suprised at that.

I haven’t bowled for 20 years and I had a horrible score.

But I laughed a lot. I enjoyed myself in the company of my new friends.

I have not socialized aside from family and church for a long time, so it was a good experience for me. Sure, I had some socially awkward moments, but for the most part I felt good about the day’s events.

God prepared that table before me, in the restaurant and at the bowling alley. The employer is not my enemy and the other workers aren’t enemies, either.

No, the enemies that surrounded me that day were fear, anxiety and insecurity.

God anointed that time and place. He saw ahead and paved the way through my new friend, a table that had an open spot on the end, and a group that I was comfortable bowling with.

Although we had time to play three games and two of my teammates did so, I stopped after one. I don’t have great balance and I feared I would take a fall. It wasn’t so much fear as caution.

Even after I quit bowling, I spent time socializing and stretching outside the box.

For that afternoon, I forgot all about my troubles.

My cup of joy and laughter overflowed.

I had asked for prayer to get through the day, and I know many of my friends and family responded. I could feel the difference.

Happy Independence Day!

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

I thought I was independent as a young adult when I went off to college, then traveled to Mexico. I THOUGHT I was independent when in 1988 I went back to Mexico and stayed for six months teaching.

The situation where I lived wasn’t working out. I’d been independent here in the U.S., but there I didn’t know how to cook or clean or anything to their standards. The meals I tried to cook weren’t well received so I gave up. I ate most of my meals out even if it was just a yogurt and fresh fruit.

One day I had terrible stomach cramps and the woman I was living with took me to see the doctor. Later that day, I rode the bus to school as usual. I met up with some friends who invited me to their house.

Later that evening, they took me back to the place where I was staying. One of the sisters said, “She is going to scold you.” (Meaning my housemate.)

Well, she certainly did. After I said goodbye to the sisters and walked into the house, my housemate let me have it. For over an hour I sat at the table and listened to her tell me that she had called hospitals and everyone she knew to see where I had been. It was in the days before cell phones. I didn’t even have her phone number if I’d wanted to call and tell her I’d be late. Along with that, she blasted me. “You depend too much on your mommy.”

Me? Dependent on my mom?

I was offended at that. After all, I’d been out of school 5 years and had lived on my own most of that time. I’d been financially independent for most of that time period also.

But looking at it from her standpoint, I was lazy and didn’t do my share.

That was the beginning of the end for me. I began to get homesick and desperate to make it through the next few weeks until the classes I was teaching were finished. I didn’t try to fit in anymore.

I came home and started a new job, found a new place to live, bought a car. I met my husband and we got married nine months later. I was still independent, up until we had our first child. Then I became a stay-at-home mom.

As a mom with young children and with a husband who worked long hours, I did become dependent on my mom. She helped out with the kids, went with me on errands, and was always just a phone call away. Even when she was going through her illness I could still call and she would listen to my complaints.

She was very helpful during the time that I had my nervous breakdown when I was hospitalized, and after I returned home. She ended up getting sick and passing away a couple of years later.

It was about that time when my dependence shifted to my husband. I could no longer attend social functions without his presence there to buffer me and shield me from nervousness. He carried the financial burden of my doctor appointments and medicine without complaint. As I gradually got better, I became more independent. I even got a job and contributed to the household finances.

But I still relied on him to support me when we went places. I didn’t like to go without him. So when I lost him in August 2010, it took a long time before I could get back to my independence.

As I’ve shared in previous blog posts, through counseling, medication and emotional support, I’ve managed to come through the Valley of the Shadow of Grief and come out the other side, stronger than before. I have arrived at a secure place in my life. Lately I’ve become involved in church and attended social functions without that anxiety eating me up inside.

I’d like to say I’m independent, but financially I rely on my adult children who live with me as they share in paying utilities and pay for everything for our rescued cats, including food, litter and vet care. That could change in the future, and I am working toward the goal of becoming financially solid by the time I’m 60. (Not too many years away, unfortunately).

Although I have put the past behind me, I will always remember the words of my housemate in Mexico when she said, “You depend too much on your mommy.” It keeps me humble to realize that I wasn’t all that I thought I was.