depression

The Creator of Light

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

My reading this morning was from Psalm 69.

Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold.

I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched.

Psalm 69:1-3

My study Bible says that if David is the author of this Psalm, the occasion is unknown. New Testament authors viewed this cry of a godly sufferer as foreshadowing of the sufferings of Christ.

I’m not a scholar, so I can’t tell you what this means.

What I know is how I feel when I read those 3 verses.

  1. I feel the Psalmist David understood how our emotions can range from the highest mountaintops to the deepest valleys.
  2. Since the words could also be about Christ, I feel that Jesus, too, understands what it is like to have conflicting emotions.

The emotional struggle is real. For a person with bipolar disorder, the ups can be very high and the downs can be very low, much like the Psalmist. Fortunately for me, the pendulum swing is not that extreme. I struggle mostly with depression interspersed with a few moments here and there of manic thoughts and actions.

In the past fifteen months, I’ve often shared how God brought me out of the pit of depression and brought me into the light. A couple of weeks ago, I likened my journey to that of a caterpillar in a cocoon that transforms into a butterfly.

I still feel that to be true, but unlike a butterfly, I wanted to retreat into my cocoon and ride out the mild depression I felt the past few days.

The depression might have been brought on by grief, as I lost an uncle last week. We were not close, but he was a part of my mom’s family. I pictured him as he walked through heaven’s gates, with my grandma, his mom, there to greet him with open arms. Even so, the loss of yet another family member hovered in my mind as the weekend progressed.

Throughout the weekend, I studied what the Bible has to say about creation: how God created light by the Word of His mouth.

Jesus was with God in the beginning. The same God, yet a separate identity.

In the beginning was the Word (Jesus) and the Word was with God and the Word was God.

In Him (Jesus) was life, and that life was the light of man. The light shines in the darkness…

John 1:1-2; 4, 5a

Jesus confirmed this when he called Himself the Light of the World in John 8:12.

Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.”

John 8:12

Sometimes Christians can experience emotionally dark times, but God is present with us even then. Just because we can’t see the sun on a cloudy day, its presence is still there. So God has promised to never leave us or forsake us.

God also promises one day there will be no more darkness. When we reach our heavenly home and are in the presence of God, Revelation 22:5 says,

There will be no more night. They will not need the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light.

Revelation 22:5

I am so thankful that God is the Giver of Light. He is also the God of forgiveness. And the Great Healer. May anyone who is going through a time of darkness lift their eyes toward heaven and cry out as the Psalmist did. And if you need a counselor, or a doctor-prescribed medication, to get you through the lows, don’t be afraid to reach out to a trusted source for help.

God hears our every prayer, even the words we cannot speak. He will be with us and give us light. And someday, there will be no more darkness, and no more night.

Praise the Lord.

If I Were a Butterfly

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

“If I were a butterfly, I’d thank You, Lord, for giving me wings…”

One of the songs we used to sing with hand motions in church when I was a young teen. I loved it and it stuck around in my head for years as I moved into adulthood and had kids of my own. Now that my kids are grown, I am back working in children’s ministry. And the song came to mind again.

You see, last November I went through a personal slump that lasted through the middle of February. Yet, at the same time, I became involved in planning lessons and activities for children’s church. After an 11 year hiatus from regular church attendance, just sporadic and occasional, other than a brief time when I worked on a children’s program, I finally returned to the fold at the church where I was raised, married and held my husband’s funeral in. I was finally able to sit in church and not remember the bittersweet memories of my losses.

Quite honestly, I didn’t think I would be here again. I thought I had given up children’s ministry years ago, saying I couldn’t relate to children anymore. And the thing is, I didn’t give God enough credit for what He could do in my heart, and in my life.

Guiding me back to church, and placing me in ministry, was a beautiful gift. A promise fulfilled. And we are developing an exciting program that is touching children and families. The more ideas I get for lessons and activities, the more ideas come to me. It’s like my mind rolls over these thoughts into plans, and I have a great team that helps me carry them out.

Of course, with the bipolar disorder, I have to be careful that excitement doesn’t cross over into mania. And at this point, I don’t see it happening. Although I am going for a “checkup” to my therapist this week, just to go over the changes in the past few weeks and how I am coping in my everyday life.

And the anxiety is still there is social surroundings. Also some health issues that make it uncomfortable to be in groups. But some things I have to live with, and other things God is healing, it will take time. But even Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he asked God to remove. In Romans 12, Paul writes:

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

If Paul said God’s grace was sufficient in His weakness, because God’s power made Him strong, than I can do no less for myself.

I’ve experienced some dark times in my life. I’ve lived in the shadows for years since my husband’s death. In the aftermath of grief, I believe we walk in the “Valley of the Shadows” (Psalms 23:4) The verse says, the shadow of death, but I believe we who who lose our loved ones also find ourselves in that valley. There is no time table for our recovery, no pat phrases or Bible verses that can bring us miraculously out from the shadows. Time, the support of others, for me, listening to spiritual songs and hymns, can help us find the light again.

In the past few months I feel like I am living in the light of what God has in store for me. I haven’t been writing any fiction. Instead, I’ve focused on lessons and plans for children’s church as well as working my day job as a homemaker aide for senior citizens. I can feel the vibrancy of God in my spirit as I stretch my horizons and find confidence in who I am and in my skills.

In November, I saw the above necklace advertised and it immediately drew me in. It’s rose gold, which is a beautiful color. I haven’t bought jewelry for myself for a long time, and yet I purchased this one.

Now that I have walked through the valley of the shadows and feel the light of the Son on my life, I feel a lot like this butterfly. The butterfly wraps itself in a cocoon and spends time in the darkness as it grows and changes. When the time is right, it breaks free from its cocoon and flies away.

God has chosen the butterfly to represent new life in Him. I am so thankful today that God was with me in the shadows, growing my faith, teaching me to listen to His word, crying out to Him when I was so lonely and in pain. My life isn’t perfect now, as mentioned above. But God’s power is made perfect in my weakness.

Please consider today that God has you in the palm of His hand. Maybe you are in the darkness, maybe you are walking in shadows, and perhaps you are living in the light, but wherever you find yourself, God is with you. He will see you through.

It is Well with My Soul

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

(I’m almost embarrassed to post this today after my recent Facebook post stating that in my own part of the world, there was peace in my mind and in my heart.)

Today didn’t start off very well. I stopped for gas on the way to work and pulled up to the pump on the driver’s side. I’d forgotten that my gas tank is on the passenger side. I turned the car around. Then as I started pumping gas, I also started to cry.

Another aunt passed away recently. And we lost another classmate. In one part of the world farmilies are being separated by war. So much loss of life.

I’d felt a heaviness all weekend and now that feeling was coming out in tears.

Since I was starting to let my emotions get the best of me, after pumping gas I pulled into an empty parking space. I took out my phone and called my counselor. I told her I was sorry for bothering her but told her that I felt overwhelmed with my emotions starting to spin out of control.

“Did you use your tools?” she asked.

Uh, no.

I knew what she meant. Not tools like a hammer and screwdriver, but actions I can take to helm me manage my emotions. Tools that I talked about in previous posts last summer when I was doing well.

You’d think by now these actions would be engrained in me so that when emotional moments come up, I can put them to right away.

Instead, I try to do everything on my own. To push my feelings inside and handle life’s struggles. Then when it becomes overwhelming, I fall apart.

After a mini breakdown a few months ago in my car on the way to work (which seems to be the time when I fall apart), I wrote down these actions on index cards and put them in my car.

Some of these tools are standard for anyone who is dealing with the anxiety and depression, but these are the order in which I have them in my vehicle. Some I came up with or personalized.

Card #1:

Take a few deep breaths to slow down my thoughts.

Card #2:

Listen to or sing, “It is Well with my Soul.” (My favorite rendition of the song is in the video link below.)

Card #3:

Tighten all muscles, then relax.

Card #4:

Remember: “Feelings are not Facts”.

F-A-T:

Feelings affect our thoughts which affect our actions.

Card #5:

Remember this Bible verse:

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”

James 4:8

Card #6:

Picture myself in a serene place.

For me it was the lavendar field where we went in July, overlooking the lake. I remember how relaxed I felt that day, how utterly at peace my thoughts were.

How fleeting peace can be!

I know I have a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes all in the same day or in this case, the same weekend. Living with the challenges I face is not easy. Sometimes I say half-jokingly that “It’s so hard to be me.”

For some reason, unlike “normal” people, I don’t handle my emotions well under stress or during grief. Or maybe I’m one of the few who seek outside help with managing my emotions during those times.

I’m not too embarrassed to be real and honest here. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way. We all have our ups and downs. None of us go through life untouched by grief.

After I reviewed my index cards and listened to the song, “It is well with my Soul,” I was able to grab hold of that peace and go on with my day. I didn’t cancel any clients. I made it through the day, and actually enjoyed socializing with the people I was working for.

So the tools that my counselor taught me and that I expressed in posts last summer do really work. Progress is being made. In January, I had a mini breakdown and took three days off from work. Today, I had a mini breakdown and didn’t miss any jobs. I don’t know what is possible, but as another card:

Card #7:

Live one day at a time. Un dia a la vez.

Sadly, none of us is promised tomorrow. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Life is frail, and it can be gone in the blink of an eye.

A heart can stop beating at any time, and for so many, death came unexpectedly.

This hymn is one of my favorites and its message is so powerful. “Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul.”

Good Monday Morning 2-7-22

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

Good Monday Morning

It is a good morning here in map-dot, Michigan. I was blessed to spend time with family this weekend, to attend church and work with the children’s ministry on Sunday, and to have time to relax and read.

Like all weekends, the time went by too fast. I usually have Mondays off but today I am working to make up for the time I will miss on Thursday when I go to a medical appointment.

Several thoughts came to mind throughout the weekend and I’m sharing them here. My life’s journey includes ups and downs like anyone else’s. However, because I have bipolar disorder and battle depression and anxiety, even small challenges can become overwhelming.

In 2021, I received many blessings.

I had two books published by Anaiah Press. I built up my blog and presence on social media, gaining a following of readers from various parts of the U.S. and other countries. My number of local readers also increased.

After trying a couple of different jobs, I finally found a job that I love and feel like I am good at. I’ve met interesting and lovely people who make the job rewarding.

I’ve also grown closer to my kids who are my greatest blessings in my life, in large part due to the pets we’ve rescued.

Around Thanksgiving, I started working with children’s church again, something I used to enjoy before Pat passed away.

In spite of these wonderful blessings, I found myself struggling with depression towards the end of 2021.

That struggle carried over into the month of January and began to affect my job.

Recognizing the depression because I have experienced it before, I sought help from my therapist. I’d forgotten the tools I learned in counseling.

I’d lost my way.

Now I’m working with my counselor to get back on track in the fight against depression. I’m also seeing my doctor about changes in my medication.

I’m trying to get back into exercising daily, which I had gradually given up starting around Thanksgiving. All the overeating over the holidays didn’t help and I ended up putting on a few pounds that I’d lost.

I also began to neglect my spiritual life as I stopped reading the Bible and praying which I’d been doing daily for many months.

Now I am carving time in my day for devotions so I can draw closer to God and gain wisdom in how to spend my days. And to help me treat the people in my life well.

What will 2022 bring?

I have an annual review of my job coming up. There have been some complaints from clients about me missing work. Most of the days I missed were due to mental health or physical ailments. I was exposed to Covid a few times and had to quarantine although I didn’t get sick. I know I can’t get fired for that, but I’m nervous about what the evaluation will show.

As far as my writing goes, after the initial excitement of my book releases died down, I was unable to complete work on two novellas that I’d started. Then came a contest that I wanted to enter which means increased writing time.

I’ve spent the past few days organizing my writing projects for the year which include one holiday novella and writing for the contest. I will concentrate on those two things and put the rest on the back burner until these are complete.

I’m also writing lessons for children’s church. I’m putting together curriculum that teaches the story of how Jesus grew from an infant who was born at Christmas to when He grew up and died on the cross and was resurrected.

I want to teach the children I’ll be working about how God loves all children, and all people, the same, no matter what their differences are.

In a world of hate and discord, I want the church to be a safe place where children can learn kindness towards each other. We adults need to learn that lesson as well.

In order to prepare these lessons, I have to believe and practice what I am teaching.

In my day job, it’s important that I show kindness and patience with the people I work for.

In my home life, it’s also important that I am patient and kind.

I still have days when I don’t feel those things, but I am confident enough to put them into practice regardless.

I know that God will give the strength to get through each day, to not only survive, but to thrive as I journey with Him through life.

Good Monday Morning 1-17-22

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

(I’m a little late getting this posted. It will be afternoon before it’s published.)

I’m about as motivated to get my day started as Anna appears in the above photo. That’s like me, just hanging out and relaxing. And here it is almost noon already. I’d intended to clean a client’s house this morning but she had something come up and needed to cancel. So I have an unexpected day at home.

I woke up at 7:30 which is late for me. I prefer to get up around 4:00 am. And usually if I’m not awake by then my dog whines until I wake up as she wants to be fed. This morning she let me sleep.

It might because my kids were cooking when I got up. Since they work third shift, they were preparing food for their lunches this week. My son was cooking chicken breasts. My daughter was making a semi-homemade pasta Alfredo.

At the same time, I was preparing my morning coffee and toast.

Our schedule is a little mixed up around here. I’m getting up as my kids (two adult children who live with me) are getting ready to go back to bed. I’m cooking breakfast food while they are eating pizza or dinner entrees.

I don’t mind the mixed up hours, though. I get to spend a few hours with them before they go to bed I leave for the day. In the event that I don’t have to work, I try to stay quiet so they can sleep.

My dog likes to interrupt their sleeping, though. I don’t know if she likes it, per se, but she does it often. When she hears a noise outside of a loud truck she barks. When I get home from work she barks and carries on. I know my kids don’t always get all the sleep they need.

Maybe it’s payback for when they were infants and they kept me awake. LOL.

I know they will likely move out in the next few years, but I like having them as roommates. As a single, widowed woman in her mid-fifties, it’s nice to not have an empty house to myself. As if it could be empty, with several cats and a dog, but it’s also nice to have the human conversations and contact for a few hours a day.

In the past, I’ve lived in my head most of the time. When I wasn’t reading or writing, I was dreaming up dialogue and scenes for my stories. Sometime last fall, that drifted away from me. I decided I need to get out and do something that was beyond myself. And I did.

Now, it seems like, I can’t get back into my head. Back into those stories.

Where did the scenes and dialogue go?

What happened to my creativity?

Over the holidays, I ate whatever I wanted and stopped my daily exercise. I also stopped my daily devotions.

I gave up some very good habits that I’d developed over the past three years. And that past three years has been the most productive time of my life as far as my writing and marketing go.

Hmm. Maybe giving up those good habits has affected my creativity.

I don’t really have any excuses, except “I don’t feel like it.”

Isn’t that what a teenager or a child might say?

Have I regressed to a time in my life when I did whatever I felt like and didn’t care if if affected anyone else? Or didn’t do something that was expected of me because I didn’t feel like it?

I have some problems with depression and anxiety. I’ve been very vocal about my journey thus far. So it is with honesty this morning that I admit I have messed up by not sticking with the things that are important to my spiritual and physical health. If those are off balance, it’s no wonder that my mental health and creativity are suffering.

I can’t get back the past six weeks or so of time, but I can make the changes I need to get back “in the groove”. This morning, I’m listening to my favorite inspirational songs on Spotify, hoping that it will light a spark in me to motivate me to do the things I know to do.

Here is one of my favorite songs that will jumpstart anyone’s day.
“Rattle” by Elevation Worship.

It’s enough to motivate me to get on my pedaler and get my heart rate going.

But first, I’ll finish this cup of coffee.