anxiety

Good Monday Morning 6-13

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Good Monday morning, June 13.

This is the second Monday of June. Already. It feels like summer is almost over before it has even started. It always seems to go by fast.

Last summer my son, daughter and I went to the Leelanau Peninsula in Michigan for a couple of days. We had a great time and the place we stayed was beautiful. The place is rich in history and would make a great setting for a historical series about the Coast Guard. I haven’t done any research toward that end but it is on the list of things to do.

This year we want to travel to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and see Tahquamenon Falls and visit Sault Ste. Marie. I took a week off in August, but instead of going then, during the peak of summer and heat, we decided to wait and go in early fall. Maybe we’ll see some of the fall colors while we travel.

Maybe I should say that traveling will depend on whether I can save enough money this summer to go on vacation. I’m working but my job is part-time. That is all that I can manage. I tried to increase my hours this winter and it led to an overabundance of stress. In May my hours were cut, from 12 clients a week to 8 or 9, to cut back on stress.

Now in July there will be a few new clients added. Each time I houseclean for a new client, I have to get to know their personality as well as find out how they like their house cleaned, what products they use and where their supplies are kept. So it isn’t a simple process.

It takes me a while to feel comfortable with new people and new places.

Sometimes personalities don’t mesh well, or they have unrealistic expectations. Not all clients remain on my schedule. And because of the nature of the work that I do and the clients’ ages, there are many things that factor into losing a client. My employer’s goal is to assist seniors so they can stay in their own homes as long as possible. Some of the clients I had in the past moved into nursing homes or onto their heavenly home.

Since I never know how long I will have a client on my schedule, I give each person my best. I do the best job I can cleaning with the tools that they have. I also do my best to get them talking about things that they enjoy and learn some of their history. I’m one of only a few people in their lives that they see regularly.

Knowing that makes me try harder to communicate with them and not let my own anxieties and insecurities make getting to know them difficult.

There’s a song, Confidence, by Sanctus Real. In it is the phrase, “So I can face my giants with confidence.” It When it comes on the radio, I sing the words, “So I can face my clients with confidence.” I often pray for the difficult personalities and try and stay emotionally healthy so I can continue to do my job.

Remembering the words of this song helps me keep my job in perspective. I know for a fact that it is only by the grace of God that I am able to meet new people and develop a working friendship with them.

And in the past few months on, my confidence in myself and in my ability to socialize with people has grown tremendously.

Social Isolation–On Purpose

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

Due to health issues exacerbated by anxiety, I struggled to go places socially when my husband was alive. He was always my buffer, sitting between me and other people, supporting me when I was nervous. Encouraging me to forget about what other people might be thinking and just do what I needed to do.

After he passed away, I found it hard to go out socially. I started to avoid gatherings in church and even among family. I ventured out a little bit here and there, but I never stuck with any church for very long. In fact, for eleven years after he passed away, I hadn’t attended church regularly.

Then the pandemic and resulting shutdown made things worse. It gave me a reason to isolate myself from social gatherings.

Last year I found a job that I am still holding down successfully. It doesn’t require me to sit in groups except for training a couple of times a year. There is a monthly staff meeting but it is not required. I’ve never attended.

In November I returned to the church where I’d grown up and began working in children’s ministry. Now I had an excuse not to sit in church, because I was downstairs in children’s church. I still sat through the service on special occasions.

Over the years, I’ve become adept at choosing an outside seat, or a seat at the end of a table. My sister, understanding my need for not being in close contact with people, chooses to sit between me and anyone else as a buffer, not unlike my husband used to do.

When someone sits next to me, I start to tense up. I feel the flight or fight response and my body reacts accordingly. I start to sweat. I’m unable to focus on anything going on because I am worried about what the person beside me might be thinking. I could slip into a panic attack easily.

Along with that, I’ve also developed a fear of eating in front of people, even in my own home.

Social anxiety at its worst.

I’m not alone in this, I know. I’ve talked with a couple of other people who have similar responses to crowds.

I’ve sought counseling on this matter and am advised to take a moment before I enter a social scene. Do some deep breathing, visualize a peaceful place in my mind. Calm myself before I go into the building.

It helps, when I remember to do it.

The church didn’t have potlucks in the aftermath of the pandemic but recently started them again. A couple of weeks ago, there was a baby shower after the service. I wanted to stay, as it is one of the children from class who was becoming a big sister. I bought a gift. I asked a friend if I could sit at the end of the table. I put some food on my plate and ate. I talked with my friend and others around me as I ate.

I found that it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Yesterday there was a potluck after church to welcome a new children’s ministry director. I needed to meet her, but I didn’t need to go to the potluck.

But I wanted to go. I made up a pan of baked beans (which didn’t turn out very well.). Before the dinner started, I prepared myself mentally to sit with people.

I found an open chair at the end of a table across from a lady who had been a friend of my parents. We talked.

I stood in line, forcing myself not to worry that there were people in front of and behind me. I put bits of food on my plate, and managed to eat most of it. I wanted to leave, but there was peanut butter cake on the dessert table. So I stayed and ate a piece. I introduced myself to the new director and talked a couple of minutes. Then I packed up my food and went home.

Another success.

I’d like to say I’ve overcome my social anxiety. Instead I will say that I am overcoming it through the help of the Lord.

The following verses from Psalm 94 were in my devotions Saturday morning.

18 When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
    your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
19 When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.

Psalm 94:18-19

I no longer have my husband there to physically support and buffer me from others, but God is ever present. His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. I can rest assured that He will not leave me and is with me even in those moments when I feel that fight or flight reponse from being surrounded by people.

Attending these two events at church brought me joy. I hope to continue to fellowship as the summer goes on. Each time, I will grow stronger and more comfortable with the social settings.

I hope that my thoughts here today help someone who might be going through something similar. Maybe I am an oddity. I’d add LOL but it isn’t a laughing matter. It’s very real, and it’s debilitating.

But God can help us overcome. When I feel myself slipping into anxiety, He supports me with His presence. Focusing on a key Scripture or one of my tools that the counseling has taught me can keep my feet planted instead of running away. The more I put myself out there in public, the more confidence I will gain.

Writing Through Anxiety

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Today’s post is written by Christian author Sara Beth Williams.

My life, since February of 2018, has been in major upheaval. Five months before my first novel was published, three family deaths occurred. In November, 2018, my brother moved two thousand miles away.

That’s when I began to notice symptoms of anxiety.

All of this occurred a year after I’d penned a three-novel series, which included most of what is now Anchor My Heart.

Anchor My Heart tells the story of Matt Lawson and Tara Pierce. Matt has lost everything. In the wake of a life-altering tragedy, anxiety from his childhood rears its ugly head, making it difficult to cope with reality.

I don’t like to throw the term anxiety around lightly. I didn’t really acknowledge that I had anxiety for over a year and I don’t suffer from major anxiety. The reason I point that out is because it is important to acknowledge the difference between severe and mild.  

Now that I have had three years to reflect, I realize that mild anxiety has always been part of my life, to some extent. Instances throughout college, and particularly after my first child was born, which I couldn’t truly explain, now make so more sense, in light of my ability to self-reflect.

I had never experienced real, raw, and intense grief, until the year When Hearts Collide, my first novel, was published. When Hearts Collide, and Anchor My Heart both deal with grief. Before writing Anchor My Heart, I’d never experienced major anxiety.

But God, in His infinite wisdom and love and knowledge, prompted me and inspired me to write these stories that deal so heavily with grief and anxiety because He knew. He knew I was going to walk through similar experiences.It almost felt like a future me had written journal entries to the past me.

In 2019, I returned to my third manuscript, combed through Matt’s experiences again, revised, enhanced the emotional reactions based on experiences I was still enduring throughout that year and then sent it off to my editor. It was raw, beautiful and romantic, but had a terrible title at the time. I knew I had time to fix that.

In March, 2020, as I was going through one of my mom’s old journals which has a nautical theme, I found this verse:

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

Hebrews 6:19(NIV)

The words anchor and hope stuck with me for months. As I waded through edits from my critique group, and later my editor, I knew the theme of my book was finding hope through extreme trials. But that hope isn’t just plain wishful thinking. I knew, for these two characters, it had to be an assurance in something greater than themselves.

I strongly believe God brings revelations to us at just the right time. For me, reading that verse in early 2020 was exactly when I needed to read that verse. Not any sooner. Not any later. This verse has been a blessing to me.

For over a year, I thought my own journey had culminated around the release of Anchor My Heart. I had, after all, published three novels in so many years while dealing with significant trauma that resulted in symptoms of anxiety. But my journey of writing through anxiety goes beyond Anchor My Heart. It began before if I’m honest, and it still continues. In fact, it’s less about anxiety and more about persevering, regardless of my own personal obstacles, mental, physical, or otherwise.

 I’d be a fool to think the troubles in this world will suddenly cease.

And they haven’t. My family suffered two more deaths in 2021, causing more upheaval and uncertainty.

I don’t say any of this to bring feelings of pity. I write from a a place of honesty. Troubles will come in the night. But the joy of the Lord comes in the morning. Does that mean my anxiety goes away instantly? That, like our walk of faith, is a daily battle. Self-awareness, recapturing my thoughts and speaking truth into my mind, and self-reflection are three major keys that help me every single day.

I want to circle back to mild anxiety versus severe. Severe anxiety may require medication. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You may benefit from therapy. There is nothing wrong with that. Practicing self-awareness and speaking truth into your mind while you are stable and sound are two helpful methods which help protect your mind. Remember, the Bible gives us the tools in Ephesians 6, including the sword of the spirit which is the Word of God. (Ephesians 6:17) 

It is almost impossible while you are elevated to practice such things. There are a plethora of books on anxiety, but I want to plug one here that I found extremely helpful, called Victory over Anxiety by Dr. Andrea Ganahl.

What’s next for me?

Where am I going now?

I’ve been sitting on these questions since January. I have all these great plans for two new book series, and plans for my own entrepreneurship, but right now, I think what I really need… is to continue to rest and to seek the Lord more. And that’s okay. Because God grants rest to the weary and heals the broken hearted and I wouldn’t be writing without His guidance. So, I will wait on him.

About Sara Beth Williams

Sara Beth Williams is a contemporary Christian romance author, an ACFW member, wife, mother of two daughters, and dog mom of a spunky Pomeranian-Shih Tzu mix. Two of her three novels have been nominated for a Selah Award, A Worthy Heart (2020) and Anchor My Heart (2022). She lives in Northern California. When she’s not held hostage by the keyboard, she enjoys playing guitar, reading, and spending time with her family. Find out more about Sara Beth Williams here. https://linktr.ee/sarabethwrites

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https://www.amazon.com/Anchor-Heart-Sara-Beth-Williams-ebook/dp/B08X1GBKSD/

Nominated for a 2022 Selah Award

In the aftermath of tragic loss, worship leader Matt Lawson is grappling debilitating anxiety. Tara Pierce is ready to put past hurts behind her as she prepares to graduate college and take a leap of faith in her career. When Matt’s grief causes him to isolate himself from everyone he knows, she refuses to stand idly by and do nothing. Unexpected attraction flares as Tara reaches into the sea of Matt’s grief and helps ground him in reality. But Matt’s not ready to give himself away again.

Victory over Anxiety Book Review

https://authorswilliams.wordpress.com/2022/02/03/victory-over-anxiety-book-review-giveaway/

New Year’s Wish 2017

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Good Monday morning to you.

My novella will be released in less than three weeks.

Since my novella is about a New Year’s wish, I went back through my journal to read entries that I’ve made in the past on New Year’s Eve.

One very significant entry I wrote down on December 31, 2017.

I’ve shared here about my challenges with depression and anxiety, and most recently the struggles I’ve gone through since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2003.

The words in this journal entry, written at the end of 2017 and after another year of struggling, reflect on the ways God was changing me.

Today I share my journal entry as it was written.

Sunday December 31, 2017

I have a mental illness.

It is not demonic.

It is a chemical imbalance that is treatable with medications and cognitive therapy.

I firmly believe that God has brought Vicki (my counselor) into my life to strengthen my faith.

To set me in the right direction.

To help me heal from past insults, assaults and disappointments.

To help me realize that the teaching I have had regarding my mental illness has been faulty and has not helped me but hurt me psychologically.

I am free to begin again.

It is a new year starting tomorrow.

The journal entry continues with thoughts on 2018.

Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.

Philipians 2:12-14 reads:

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

God has not given me a spirit of FEAR, but of POWER, of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND.

God will help me overcome the challenges in life:

Single parenting, even to adult children.

Isolation from the anxiety disorder.

Financial independence.

Diet/healthy choices for diabetes and other medical issues.

Medication changes for the bipolar.

Increasing my faith in His goodness.

My story–evangelism.

Overcoming my past.

Forgetting my past and moving forward.

God has plans for me: Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.

Those were my New Year’s wishes on December 31, 2017.

In the years since then, God has met and exceeded my hopes in many of these areas.

My life is not perfect by any means, but I have more good days than bad. I used to have maybe three good days a month, now I might have maybe three bad days a month.

And even on a bad day, God has ways of reminding me of His goodness.

It isn’t a new year, but it’s a new day.

A new Monday.

The start of a new week.

I hope that You will trust God to meet your needs and bring you through whatever trials you are facing. With prayers that you will have an uplifting week.

The Storm inside my Brain

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Good Monday Morning.

As I contemplated what to write about this week, this photo came up in my Facebook memories.

My niece Rachel created this drawing in an art class when she was a teenager. When I saw it, I asked if I could have a copy. She gave me the original.

(Warning: This is a long and emotional post.)

This artwork is a picture of what it feels like in my brain when I am battling depression and anxiety. I read a book once, “There’s a storm inside my brain.” Someone who has never experienced it themselves cannot fully understand.

Having navigated through the challenges the past 11 years have brought, since I lost my husband in a tragic work accident, I now live in a place of mental stability. But it’s been hard-won.

Sometimes, circumstances come up that set me back emotionally. Then the battle rages and I struggle.

I’ve been very candid about my journey out of depression and my bouts of anxiety. I feel that by being open and sharing how I have worked through it, that someone else might be helped. Maybe it won’t take them 8 years of counseling to work through their problems, and they will find healing quicker because of what I’ve shared about my own struggles.

Today I’m sharing another part of my journey.

My daughter was born in March 1993. At my yearly physical in October 1993, I cried in my PA’s office. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I believe now that I suffered from undiagnosed postpartum depression that never went away.

The next year was a blur as we lost my husband’s dad and my mom had health problems. I was overwhelmed with having two young kids. I took shots for birth control that made me gain weight and I was overall unhealthy.

In October 1994, I went back to the PA for my yearly checkup. I cried again. She said I was depressed and put me on Zoloft. She put me on three pills a day and recommended counseling. I found a Christian counselor but it was an hour from my house and I couldn’t make the appointments with two small children. The counselor said part of my problem was living in an old trailer with dark walls and I needed light.

In January 1995, I saw a medical doctor for for a routine appointment. He said I was on a high dose of Zoloft. Instead of cutting back the dose, I went against medical advice and cut it out.

Part of the reason for stopping my medication was that I’d asked for prayer for healing. The minister prayed that I would be delivered from the spirit of depression. I wrongly felt that if it were a spirit of depression, then when he prayed for me, I was healed. The pastor didn’t know I was on medication and may never have suggested I quit taking it, but I will never know, because that’s what I did.

We bought a doublewide that let lots of light in and I was good emotionally for a couple of years, before the pattern started all over again. Depression filtered through my life until I had more bad days per month than good.

During those years, I struggled to maintain the house and tried a variety of different jobs, unsuccessfully. I had health issues due to the weight gain and poor diet and lack of exercise.

In 2003, my life crash came crashing down. After a few traumatic weeks of slipping slowly, I suddenly spiraled into a state where my sense of reality was altered. Fortunately, I was committed to a mental hospital before I hurt myself or caused anyone else to get hurt.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I was immediately put on medication and attended therapy sessions. When I was released a few days later, I didn’t feel confident about going home. However, I had the support of my husband, parents, in-laws and siblings. Together they formed a support network, helping with the kids and house and taking me to my appointments.

I started seeing a counselor who gave me very practical things to work on. Over the next few months, I worked with her as the medication began to take effect and work in my brain. A gain of 40 pounds in 9 months caused more physical health problems and a change in medication helped control that issue.

I vividly remember every detail of the virtual nightmare that caused me to be hospitalized. While it was a horrible experience for myself, my husband and my kids, it was a necessity to bring me to a point where I could find help.

Like I mentioned, that was in 2003. I began a many-years-long struggle to overcome the depression and anxiety that had marked my life up to that point. I had ups and downs, which is common with bipolar. I never quit going to the psychiatrist. I worked with a variety of counselors, getting some help here and there.

The psychiatrist tried different medications and several times a combination worked. Then I would think I was feeling better and drop one, only to have problems a few weeks or months later. Eventually, I learned to take the medications as prescribed, and found a sense of normalcy.

When my husband passed away suddenly in 2010, I thought I would fall apart. But somehow, by the grace of God and my network of support, I managed to carry on with life and take care of my kids.

But I was stuck in grief that turned into depression. I didn’t know how to change or move forward.

In 2013, God led me to the Christian counselor who literally changed my life. I’ve shared details about my journey through depression in previous blog posts, so I won’t go into that here.

I haven’t, however, admitted to the bipolar diagnosis prior to now to anyone besides family and a few friends.

I hope that you, as my faithful readers, will be understanding.

Maybe you have someone in your life that you can relate this to.

Or maybe some of you struggle with the chemical imbalance.

I freely admit that I am taking a blend of medications that keep me from spiraling again into mania or falling into depression. I don’t even want to think about where I would be today if I didn’t have the support of my siblings and aunts (My parents passed away in 2004 and 2005) who listened to my problems and took me to appointments. Or without the medication prescribed by the psychiatrist I’ve been going to since 2003, and in recent years, the Christian counselor.

I’ve heard that people with bipolar disorder often self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. As a teen, I did try a sip of beer one time and spit it into the sink. I also tried a couple of sips of a mixed drink one time and though it didn’t taste bad, the person I was with wouldn’t allow me more than two sips, as I was a minor. I’ll always be thankful for that.

Those few sips were the extent of my trying alcohol. Through God’s provision, I went away to a Christian college and stayed in the dorms. God protected me from getting into situations where my faith would be compromised. As a result of the Bible teaching and Christian fellowship, my faith became grounded.

I admit that in 2013, I was tempted to turn to alcohol when I faced the third anniversary of my husband’s death. I abstained from drinking. Instead, I ate a cake labeled, “Death by Chocolate” that raised my blood sugar. Shortly after that anniversary date, God led me to the Christian counselor who has changed my life through the way she shares God’s truth with me.

I now know that depression is not a spirit that can be prayed out of someone. I don’t know what the Biblical reference is for that belief. I do know that depression and bipolar disorder are chemical imbalances in the brain.

I read somewhere that a person can be predisposed to bipolar disorder and never experience it in life. But another person who is predisposed might have enough stresses in life to bring it out. That’s what happened to me. Many different problems outside my control collided and caused me to slip over the edge of reality and I suffered a mental breakdown.

Where was God in all of this?

Why didn’t He heal me?

Why did He allow me to break down in the first place?

Why did He allow all of those things into my life that caused the breakdown?

I can’t begin to answer all of those questions.

For me, the answers don’t matter.

I believe:

God is good all the time.

He created a perfect world. When sin entered into the world through the fall of Adam and Eve, it created problems in every area of life. Sickness and disease, even mental illness, are a result of the fallen world.

A Christian can have mental illness. It isn’t a spiritual problem. It isn’t a sin. It isn’t a condition that can be changed through prayer alone. If it were, I would not have dealt with it over and over again in my life.

However, I am a walking example of how God has brought healing into my life. With time, medication, a strong support system, a wise medical team and counseling that is retraining my brain to think positively about God and myself, I live most of my days with my mind at rest from the storms of bipolar.

That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I haven’t had a full-blown mania episode since that first one in 2003, although certain times of the year or circumstances might cause me to spiral a little. That’s where my support system, a tweak of my medication and additional counseling pull me back from the brink.

I don’t know what the future holds, what the challenges are that I will yet have to face. I do trust God with my future, however.

Phillipians 1:4-6 says:

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

A common saying when I was growing up was, “God’s not finished with me yet.”

I’m so thankful that He isn’t done renewing my mind with the truth of His word. Every time I rise to and defeat a challenge, my faith in God, and my confidence in myself, get stronger. He is a perfect God, and He has a plan for my future.