Author: Carol Underhill

If I Were a Butterfly

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

“If I were a butterfly, I’d thank You, Lord, for giving me wings…”

One of the songs we used to sing with hand motions in church when I was a young teen. I loved it and it stuck around in my head for years as I moved into adulthood and had kids of my own. Now that my kids are grown, I am back working in children’s ministry. And the song came to mind again.

You see, last November I went through a personal slump that lasted through the middle of February. Yet, at the same time, I became involved in planning lessons and activities for children’s church. After an 11 year hiatus from regular church attendance, just sporadic and occasional, other than a brief time when I worked on a children’s program, I finally returned to the fold at the church where I was raised, married and held my husband’s funeral in. I was finally able to sit in church and not remember the bittersweet memories of my losses.

Quite honestly, I didn’t think I would be here again. I thought I had given up children’s ministry years ago, saying I couldn’t relate to children anymore. And the thing is, I didn’t give God enough credit for what He could do in my heart, and in my life.

Guiding me back to church, and placing me in ministry, was a beautiful gift. A promise fulfilled. And we are developing an exciting program that is touching children and families. The more ideas I get for lessons and activities, the more ideas come to me. It’s like my mind rolls over these thoughts into plans, and I have a great team that helps me carry them out.

Of course, with the bipolar disorder, I have to be careful that excitement doesn’t cross over into mania. And at this point, I don’t see it happening. Although I am going for a “checkup” to my therapist this week, just to go over the changes in the past few weeks and how I am coping in my everyday life.

And the anxiety is still there is social surroundings. Also some health issues that make it uncomfortable to be in groups. But some things I have to live with, and other things God is healing, it will take time. But even Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he asked God to remove. In Romans 12, Paul writes:

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

If Paul said God’s grace was sufficient in His weakness, because God’s power made Him strong, than I can do no less for myself.

I’ve experienced some dark times in my life. I’ve lived in the shadows for years since my husband’s death. In the aftermath of grief, I believe we walk in the “Valley of the Shadows” (Psalms 23:4) The verse says, the shadow of death, but I believe we who who lose our loved ones also find ourselves in that valley. There is no time table for our recovery, no pat phrases or Bible verses that can bring us miraculously out from the shadows. Time, the support of others, for me, listening to spiritual songs and hymns, can help us find the light again.

In the past few months I feel like I am living in the light of what God has in store for me. I haven’t been writing any fiction. Instead, I’ve focused on lessons and plans for children’s church as well as working my day job as a homemaker aide for senior citizens. I can feel the vibrancy of God in my spirit as I stretch my horizons and find confidence in who I am and in my skills.

In November, I saw the above necklace advertised and it immediately drew me in. It’s rose gold, which is a beautiful color. I haven’t bought jewelry for myself for a long time, and yet I purchased this one.

Now that I have walked through the valley of the shadows and feel the light of the Son on my life, I feel a lot like this butterfly. The butterfly wraps itself in a cocoon and spends time in the darkness as it grows and changes. When the time is right, it breaks free from its cocoon and flies away.

God has chosen the butterfly to represent new life in Him. I am so thankful today that God was with me in the shadows, growing my faith, teaching me to listen to His word, crying out to Him when I was so lonely and in pain. My life isn’t perfect now, as mentioned above. But God’s power is made perfect in my weakness.

Please consider today that God has you in the palm of His hand. Maybe you are in the darkness, maybe you are walking in shadows, and perhaps you are living in the light, but wherever you find yourself, God is with you. He will see you through.

Friday Feature: The Blessed Bunny

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Author’s Inspiration:

This book is designed to draw attention to the true meaning of Easter contrasted to the commercialization of Easter.

About the book:

The Blessed Bunny is a rhyming story about a bunny that was taken from a pet store and put in a store with Easter sale items. A little girl chooses him to buy, and the bunny ends up going to a church service with her and her mother. While there, he listens to the sermon and begins to understand the true meaning of Easter.

The book ends with a Digging Deeper section with questions about the story and about the way to salvation, with Bible verses backing up each question.

Excerpt:

The girl picked me up and took me up front while her mom got out some money, and my ears perked up when I heard the clerk say, “What a darling Easter bunny.”

Easter, I thought, so this is the reason for all of these things in the store. My thoughts interrupted, I was picked up again and we headed right out of the door.

I was placed in a car, and we started driving past stores and houses too. Then in the distance I saw a tall steeple as a small white church came in view.

We stopped and got out, and I looked round- about and saw vehicles parked everywhere, and beneath that old steeple, I saw lots of people. The crowd was then hushed by a prayer.

I then heard an old man start talking about a Baby Who was born to this earth and that when He grew up He died on a cross so that sinners could have a new birth.

About the author:

Renee Jensen was born and raised in Michigan. She is married to her husband, Ron, and has two children, Rachael and Ryan, and four grandchildren. Renee is a born-again Christian and has written four children’s books, two of which are published.

Buy Link:

Recipe: Spaghetti Parmesan

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Spaghetti Parmesan

Spaghetti Parmesan

This 4-ingredient pasta dish is quick and simple, and tastes good. Not a low cholesterol or low fat dish, but an easy dinner with ingredients you probably already have on hand.

Ingredients:

8 oz. spaghetti

1/2 cup parmesan cheese

4 tablespoons butter (not margarine)

1 clove garlic, minced

Directions:

Boil spaghetti and drain, set aside.

In saucepan, melt butter.

Saute garlic for 1 minute.

Remove from heat.

Add spaghetti and parmesan cheese.

Toss to coat.

Sprinkle with Italian seasoning, black pepper or red pepper flakes, if desired.

Serve hot.

There you have it, a 4 ingredient (5 if you count an optional spice) and you have a tasty pasta dish to serve for supper.

It is Well with My Soul

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(I’m almost embarrassed to post this today after my recent Facebook post stating that in my own part of the world, there was peace in my mind and in my heart.)

Today didn’t start off very well. I stopped for gas on the way to work and pulled up to the pump on the driver’s side. I’d forgotten that my gas tank is on the passenger side. I turned the car around. Then as I started pumping gas, I also started to cry.

Another aunt passed away recently. And we lost another classmate. In one part of the world farmilies are being separated by war. So much loss of life.

I’d felt a heaviness all weekend and now that feeling was coming out in tears.

Since I was starting to let my emotions get the best of me, after pumping gas I pulled into an empty parking space. I took out my phone and called my counselor. I told her I was sorry for bothering her but told her that I felt overwhelmed with my emotions starting to spin out of control.

“Did you use your tools?” she asked.

Uh, no.

I knew what she meant. Not tools like a hammer and screwdriver, but actions I can take to helm me manage my emotions. Tools that I talked about in previous posts last summer when I was doing well.

You’d think by now these actions would be engrained in me so that when emotional moments come up, I can put them to right away.

Instead, I try to do everything on my own. To push my feelings inside and handle life’s struggles. Then when it becomes overwhelming, I fall apart.

After a mini breakdown a few months ago in my car on the way to work (which seems to be the time when I fall apart), I wrote down these actions on index cards and put them in my car.

Some of these tools are standard for anyone who is dealing with the anxiety and depression, but these are the order in which I have them in my vehicle. Some I came up with or personalized.

Card #1:

Take a few deep breaths to slow down my thoughts.

Card #2:

Listen to or sing, “It is Well with my Soul.” (My favorite rendition of the song is in the video link below.)

Card #3:

Tighten all muscles, then relax.

Card #4:

Remember: “Feelings are not Facts”.

F-A-T:

Feelings affect our thoughts which affect our actions.

Card #5:

Remember this Bible verse:

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”

James 4:8

Card #6:

Picture myself in a serene place.

For me it was the lavendar field where we went in July, overlooking the lake. I remember how relaxed I felt that day, how utterly at peace my thoughts were.

How fleeting peace can be!

I know I have a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes all in the same day or in this case, the same weekend. Living with the challenges I face is not easy. Sometimes I say half-jokingly that “It’s so hard to be me.”

For some reason, unlike “normal” people, I don’t handle my emotions well under stress or during grief. Or maybe I’m one of the few who seek outside help with managing my emotions during those times.

I’m not too embarrassed to be real and honest here. I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way. We all have our ups and downs. None of us go through life untouched by grief.

After I reviewed my index cards and listened to the song, “It is well with my Soul,” I was able to grab hold of that peace and go on with my day. I didn’t cancel any clients. I made it through the day, and actually enjoyed socializing with the people I was working for.

So the tools that my counselor taught me and that I expressed in posts last summer do really work. Progress is being made. In January, I had a mini breakdown and took three days off from work. Today, I had a mini breakdown and didn’t miss any jobs. I don’t know what is possible, but as another card:

Card #7:

Live one day at a time. Un dia a la vez.

Sadly, none of us is promised tomorrow. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Life is frail, and it can be gone in the blink of an eye.

A heart can stop beating at any time, and for so many, death came unexpectedly.

This hymn is one of my favorites and its message is so powerful. “Whatever my lot, God has taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul.”

Another Chapter in My Story

/ Carol Underhill / 2 Comments

As the new year began, my blog took a backseat as I focused on self-care and on my daytime job.

I recently began working with children’s church and was elected for the role of director. I’ve always wanted to produce curriculum that teaches the Bible chronologically from the date of Jesus’ birth through Easter and the acts of the early church. Since we didn’t have specific curriculum for those lessons, I’ve worked with older materials that the church used in the past, along with fresh ideas gleaned from Pinterest. Putting together the lessons each week has been one of the most fulfilling and exciting projects I’ve ever worked on.

Working directly with children is not as easy for me as putting together the curriculum. I’m learning how to relate to the kids from my co-leader and God is helping me become a teacher. We have two young ladies who work with us and their enthusiasm and skills make our job easier. I also have someone very creative who has been putting together crafts that go along with the lessons.

What we are doing with the children’s ministry is successful, but as a small church we don’t have big numbers of children. Due to family obligations and sicknesses, we don’t have a consistent group each Sunday, nor a very large one. But each child is precious in God’s sight and in ours. They all have their own unique personalities and skills set. They are a joy to work with.

Because I have focused so much on my job and children’s ministry, my blog has been pushed aside.

My emotions have been all over the place lately as I fought depression and had bouts of anxiety. I also had moments where mania tried to break through, which led to some impulsive spending and emotional challenges.

It’s been 19 years since I suffered a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In all that time, I haven’t had to return to the psychiatric hospital, although I have been close a few times. Having the same doctor since the beginning has helped to regulate my medications, making adjustments as needed. It took a few years and a few different counselors before I found one that meets me where I’m at.

Bouts of depression and mania are the key components of bipolar disorder. While many people experience highs and lows, my emotional scale is higher and lower than most. Sometimes the changes are rapid. My counselor expresses that it is like a pendulum. When my emotions swing towards the high side, or mania, then it swings back to depression, and vice versa. Since the holidays I have run the gamut of emotions and had anxiety and some physical ailments thrown in for good measure.

Fortunately, my disorder runs more towards the depressive side than manic. I say fortunatley because my life doesn’t spiral out of control. I don’t get trapped in addictions as I try to manage my illness. The manic side of bipolar can be frightening as it causes one to make poor choices in relationships and spending money that can have long-term effects. For me, mania comes infrequently and lasts for a day or two, while I suffer from depression more often and for longer periods.

My counselor has helped me find tools that work for changing my negative thoughts, which in turn changes my behavior patterns. For the past few weeks, however, I let the storms of life and the stresses of my job affect my emotions, which led to even more negative feelings and depression.

Depression is typical for me for this time of year. Part of it is the winter months and the gray days. Another cause is that for a week in February, I am brought face-to-face with my grief over losing my husband. His birthday is the 12th, then there is Valentine’s Day, then our anniversary was the 17th. It would have been 32 years this year, but we only had 20 together before he passed away.

For most of the time, I am dealing okay with my loss. I have worked through my grief and have accepted that he is in a better place. I’ve become strong and independent. But then those days come up that bring me right back down again.

Like I mentioned above, I have experienced some bouncing around of my emotions in the past few weeks. But though the winds buffet, they cannot shake the foundation that is my faith in God. I feel like my feet are firmly planted in good soil, like a solid oak tree. Emotions are temporary, but faith and hope are eternal.

Unfortunately, most work on my blog has been suspended as I dealt with the changes in my emotions and daily life.

For the past eighteen months or so I’ve hosted a series on my blog that features books by other Christian authors. Each Friday I posted details about a book including the summary, an excerpt and author bio. I connected you to the authors via their social media links. I haven’t featured any books since before the holidays.

I also haven’t posted any new Cat Tails or any of the other features that I previously provided on my blog.

I am currently working on gathering stories for both the Friday Feature and the Cat Tails series. I also plan to post more recipes that use 5 ingredients or less.

I have so many good things in my life right now.

I’ve been at my job for a full year and plan to continue with it. For those of you who know me well, it is a miracle in itself that I have found fulfilling work that I can stick with. I still encounter some on-the-job stresses but am working with my counselor and my boss to maintain a professional balance.

Mentally, I find that anxiety is the biggest hurdle I face now that the depression is lifting. Most of the time I have control of it, but in certain social situations it almost overcomes me. I know that it is fear-based and I am leaning on God and learning how to cope with it.

Financially, I am in a good place. Not exactly where I want to be, but with the first year evaluation I received a performance raise. The mileage rate also increased. A little more in my paycheck each week will make paying my bills easier. Hopefully I’ll be able to set some aside. I want to go on vacation this summer and will need to save diligently to do so.

Physically, I am in worse shape than I was one year ago due to becoming lax with my diet and exercise. I am doing better and hope to be back in routine soon.

Spiritually, God has gifted me with creativity as I have given up some things that weren’t glorifying Him and listening better to His voice. I haven’t become all that I want to be yet, but do we ever arrive spiritually in this life?

We can’t reach perfection while we live in an imperfect world, but we can grow each day as we turn our back on the worldly viewpoint and allow God to influence our daily decisions.

I don’t speak out about politics especially not here on my blog. But I will say that I don’t believe this earth was supposed to last forever. The Bible says that there will come a new heaven and a new earth, which means the world as we know it will someday not exist anymore. Jesus Himself said that in this world we will have tribulation. But He also said to take heart, because He has overcome the world.

I’m so glad that God has promised redemption and an eternal home with Him. No matter what this world holds for me, I stand in faith in the One who gives me strength.