social anxiety

Reflecting on Life: Age 61 and Sweet 16 Memories

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

61 is 16 backwards!

I turned 61 on Tuesday May 26.

It dawned on me that age 61 is age 16 backwards.

So it got me thinking about what life was like for me at 16.

I was “Sweet 16 and never been Kissed.”

I thought something was wrong with me.

A couple of boys had tried when I was out with friends to kiss me but I shied away from contact. I wasn’t interested in them.

My first kiss came at 17 from a very nice boy who I didn’t appreciate at the time.

However, at age 16, I was writing stories with romance using my limited imagination, having never experienced romance in real life. I had read a lot of books, though, so I parroted some of what I read.

Although I had a few kisses in college and in my early 20s, I didn’t receive the kiss that really mattered until I was 24, when I had my own fairy tale romance with the man of my dreams. We fell in love and had a beautiful wedding. It was all a dream come true for me. Our marriage was good, until “til death do us part” actually happened when were still in our 40s. I lost him in a work accident.

I’ve written romances since he passed away, but now most of my characters are widowed or in some cases divorced.

Second-chance romance, a concept that was foreign to me at age 16.

Had someone told me on my wedding day that I would only have 20 years with the man of my dreams, I would have been in an even bigger hurry to say our vows. I know that because I wouldn’t have wanted to miss a moment of our lives together.

Through all the changes that have happened since I was a teenager, one constant remains. My faith in God has been with me on every step of my journey. I became a believer at a young age and was baptized. I never strayed toward the partying lifestyle. In part because our church started a youth group around that time. The fellowship and social activities gave me a place to belong, when I didn’t feel like I fit in at school.

Doors opened for me in high school that led to the opportunity to go to a Christian college and live in the dorms.
It was in college that I received my second kiss. From a nice upperclassman. Nice, that is, until he broke my heart. I can laugh about my “heartbreak” now, because it was so meaningless in comparison to really getting my heart broken when my husband passed away.

I had a couple of other boyfriends, one in college and one in my early twenties, that never went beyond a few kisses.
During those years, I did a lot of living: Studying, then teaching in Mexico; Leading youth group at my local church; Bible studies; and working full time at a couple of different jobs.

But I didn’t write any fiction during those years. In fact, a friend in Mexico told me that Christians shouldn’t write fiction. So I came home from there and threw out all the stories I’d written in high school.

That was a blessing in disguise, because I am embarrassed now at some of the things I wrote. I’m glad none of it was ever published.

After I married, we started a family. I became a stay-at-home mom. Suddenly, I spent all day with a baby, then a second one, without a lot of interaction. I suffered with undiagnosed postpartum depression. I disliked house work. I loved my kids and my husband, but I was bored and often lonely.

When my kids became toddlers, creativity once again blossomed in me. I wrote even through the darkest times in my life.

I wouldn’t become a published author until 2007, long after high school ended.

These days currently I have a lot of free time on my hands. I am widowed, two adult children share my house but live their own lives, and I don’t have a car, by choice, because I’ve chosen not to drive anymore due to medical issues.

Now that I have all the time I need, I have writer’s block. I haven’t written anything new for a while.

I have a few projects in various stages of completion that I’d like to finish. I have a book in the editing stages that I hope to release this summer.
I may struggle to get the words typed into a document, but one thing I am convinced of:

God is not done writing MY story.

I thought I knew enough about life to write at age 16. I do know a lot more about it at age 61. But I will never stop learning what God has in store for me, as He does something new in my heart every day.

My struggles with social anxiety have made me a recluse of sorts, but God is helping me extend my “box.” I hope to make great strides this summer with participating in life outside my four walls again.

And as I begin a new year of life, at age 61, I pray that God will help me to be a blessing to others and grow my faith.

And maybe, just maybe, to complete some of the writing projects I’ve neglected.

Good Monday Morning 6-13

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

Good Monday morning, June 13.

This is the second Monday of June. Already. It feels like summer is almost over before it has even started. It always seems to go by fast.

Last summer my son, daughter and I went to the Leelanau Peninsula in Michigan for a couple of days. We had a great time and the place we stayed was beautiful. The place is rich in history and would make a great setting for a historical series about the Coast Guard. I haven’t done any research toward that end but it is on the list of things to do.

This year we want to travel to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and see Tahquamenon Falls and visit Sault Ste. Marie. I took a week off in August, but instead of going then, during the peak of summer and heat, we decided to wait and go in early fall. Maybe we’ll see some of the fall colors while we travel.

Maybe I should say that traveling will depend on whether I can save enough money this summer to go on vacation. I’m working but my job is part-time. That is all that I can manage. I tried to increase my hours this winter and it led to an overabundance of stress. In May my hours were cut, from 12 clients a week to 8 or 9, to cut back on stress.

Now in July there will be a few new clients added. Each time I houseclean for a new client, I have to get to know their personality as well as find out how they like their house cleaned, what products they use and where their supplies are kept. So it isn’t a simple process.

It takes me a while to feel comfortable with new people and new places.

Sometimes personalities don’t mesh well, or they have unrealistic expectations. Not all clients remain on my schedule. And because of the nature of the work that I do and the clients’ ages, there are many things that factor into losing a client. My employer’s goal is to assist seniors so they can stay in their own homes as long as possible. Some of the clients I had in the past moved into nursing homes or onto their heavenly home.

Since I never know how long I will have a client on my schedule, I give each person my best. I do the best job I can cleaning with the tools that they have. I also do my best to get them talking about things that they enjoy and learn some of their history. I’m one of only a few people in their lives that they see regularly.

Knowing that makes me try harder to communicate with them and not let my own anxieties and insecurities make getting to know them difficult.

There’s a song, Confidence, by Sanctus Real. In it is the phrase, “So I can face my giants with confidence.” It When it comes on the radio, I sing the words, “So I can face my clients with confidence.” I often pray for the difficult personalities and try and stay emotionally healthy so I can continue to do my job.

Remembering the words of this song helps me keep my job in perspective. I know for a fact that it is only by the grace of God that I am able to meet new people and develop a working friendship with them.

And in the past few months on, my confidence in myself and in my ability to socialize with people has grown tremendously.

Social Isolation–On Purpose

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

Due to health issues exacerbated by anxiety, I struggled to go places socially when my husband was alive. He was always my buffer, sitting between me and other people, supporting me when I was nervous. Encouraging me to forget about what other people might be thinking and just do what I needed to do.

After he passed away, I found it hard to go out socially. I started to avoid gatherings in church and even among family. I ventured out a little bit here and there, but I never stuck with any church for very long. In fact, for eleven years after he passed away, I hadn’t attended church regularly.

Then the pandemic and resulting shutdown made things worse. It gave me a reason to isolate myself from social gatherings.

Last year I found a job that I am still holding down successfully. It doesn’t require me to sit in groups except for training a couple of times a year. There is a monthly staff meeting but it is not required. I’ve never attended.

In November I returned to the church where I’d grown up and began working in children’s ministry. Now I had an excuse not to sit in church, because I was downstairs in children’s church. I still sat through the service on special occasions.

Over the years, I’ve become adept at choosing an outside seat, or a seat at the end of a table. My sister, understanding my need for not being in close contact with people, chooses to sit between me and anyone else as a buffer, not unlike my husband used to do.

When someone sits next to me, I start to tense up. I feel the flight or fight response and my body reacts accordingly. I start to sweat. I’m unable to focus on anything going on because I am worried about what the person beside me might be thinking. I could slip into a panic attack easily.

Along with that, I’ve also developed a fear of eating in front of people, even in my own home.

Social anxiety at its worst.

I’m not alone in this, I know. I’ve talked with a couple of other people who have similar responses to crowds.

I’ve sought counseling on this matter and am advised to take a moment before I enter a social scene. Do some deep breathing, visualize a peaceful place in my mind. Calm myself before I go into the building.

It helps, when I remember to do it.

The church didn’t have potlucks in the aftermath of the pandemic but recently started them again. A couple of weeks ago, there was a baby shower after the service. I wanted to stay, as it is one of the children from class who was becoming a big sister. I bought a gift. I asked a friend if I could sit at the end of the table. I put some food on my plate and ate. I talked with my friend and others around me as I ate.

I found that it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Yesterday there was a potluck after church to welcome a new children’s ministry director. I needed to meet her, but I didn’t need to go to the potluck.

But I wanted to go. I made up a pan of baked beans (which didn’t turn out very well.). Before the dinner started, I prepared myself mentally to sit with people.

I found an open chair at the end of a table across from a lady who had been a friend of my parents. We talked.

I stood in line, forcing myself not to worry that there were people in front of and behind me. I put bits of food on my plate, and managed to eat most of it. I wanted to leave, but there was peanut butter cake on the dessert table. So I stayed and ate a piece. I introduced myself to the new director and talked a couple of minutes. Then I packed up my food and went home.

Another success.

I’d like to say I’ve overcome my social anxiety. Instead I will say that I am overcoming it through the help of the Lord.

The following verses from Psalm 94 were in my devotions Saturday morning.

18 When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
    your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
19 When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.

Psalm 94:18-19

I no longer have my husband there to physically support and buffer me from others, but God is ever present. His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. I can rest assured that He will not leave me and is with me even in those moments when I feel that fight or flight reponse from being surrounded by people.

Attending these two events at church brought me joy. I hope to continue to fellowship as the summer goes on. Each time, I will grow stronger and more comfortable with the social settings.

I hope that my thoughts here today help someone who might be going through something similar. Maybe I am an oddity. I’d add LOL but it isn’t a laughing matter. It’s very real, and it’s debilitating.

But God can help us overcome. When I feel myself slipping into anxiety, He supports me with His presence. Focusing on a key Scripture or one of my tools that the counseling has taught me can keep my feet planted instead of running away. The more I put myself out there in public, the more confidence I will gain.