Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12)

This morning I opened a new package of coffee flavored “Campfire Dreams.”

While the coffee brewed, I thought about dreams I’ve had that are coming true. I have a beautiful family. Three adult kids whom I very proud of. I just had lunch with two of them at Applebee’s yesterday and really enjoyed spending time with them. In a couple of weeks I’ll have all three of my kids together as we share a meal in memory of their dad.

My husband was the man of my dreams. In my junior high diary, I wrote about the perfect man. He had to have dark hair and eyes, and I can’t remember what else, but when I met Pat, I knew for certain that he was the one for me. We went about dating in a roundabout way, but we knew within a few weeks that we wanted to be married and raise a family together.

Why did God allow my husband, who was my dream guy, to die at the age of 46?

At first I questioned why. I cried out to God in my grief. As time went on, I found comfort in the Scriptures and words of Hymns. I came to an understanding that I would never know the reason why, not while I am living on this earth. How could I, a finite human, understand God’s eternal will?

What I do understand, is that one day, when I reach Heaven and meet my Savior face to face, the answers to that question will be made clear.

And at some point in my journey through grief, I quit asking the question, “Why?”

I now see how asking that question of God is like a child who asks why they can’t have, let’s say for example, ice cream before dinner. A parent answers, because we need to eat a healthy meal first. The child questions, “Why?” The parent responds with a different version of the same answer, and again the child questions, “Why?”
Finally the parent, tired of the back-and-forth, states, “Because I said so.”
Why does the child keep questioning? Because he or she doesn’t like the answer given. In their young minds, it isn’t a good enough reason for them not to have their favorite treat.

And I know, if I ask God, “Why did Pat have to die?” He could give me an answer. Some thoughts have been suggested by others. However, like the child, none of those answers are good enough for me. Because God is God, and He could have accomplished His will in any other way. Instead, He allowed an accident that ended Pat’s life tragically and unexpectedly. For a reason or reasons that I will never comprehend in my human intellect.

Does that mean I doubt God’s love for me? His love for Pat? For my kids?

No, I know God love us.

I cherish the 21 years I had with Pat, as his wife for 20 of those years. I am so thankful that God brought him into my life when he did and gave me a fairy tale romance. I am thankful for the good days, the bad days, and all the days in between. The part of our marriage that remains are the three kids we gave life to, whom I know still mourn the loss of their Dad.

God is a God of Love, even when we don’t understand His ways. He is Faithful to keep His promises which are set forth in the Bible.

My dreams of a love for a lifetime were broken. My marriage ended too soon. My hope was deferred, and for a long time my heart was sick with grief.

I had other dreams before I met my husband.

I wanted to be a journalist. I went to college and studied “Communications with a commercial writing emphasis,” a new program at Spring Arbor. I worked on the college newspaper. I didn’t finish college, quitting after two years.

I took Spanish classes and ended up going to Mexico to study not just once, but twice. That led to a dream of becoming a missionary. For a short time, in my early twenties, I thought that dream would be realized, but I had false expectations and a stubborn will that led me make poor choices. I returned home, heartsick over the loss of that dream, but met Pat soon after. And I felt like when I met him, I was in the will of God for my life.
Perhaps in some measure I have been a missionary to the lost in my life through my writing or personal witness, but being in the foreign mission field was not the dream that God had for me.

As a teenager, I dreamed of becoming a published author. I wrote romances, but didn’t finish very many of them. A few years later I tossed them all in the garbage.

I picked up the pen, or rather, sat down at the computer, after my second child was born, and wrote a full length novel, then another. Later I would write several more books. I tried to get my books published but was unsuccessful, so I published some of them myself. Then I received a contract for a Christmas novella, and was published by a traditional, albeit small, Christian company. I had three books published by them, and a fourth in progress, before they closed their doors.

For a short time, I was upset when I lost that dream. Then I realized that with publishing the books myself, I would have full control over what is in the books, although wise editors have helped me to delete scenes and concepts that don’t fit into the overall theme of the book.

In summary:

I dreamed of being a missionary, and found out through trial and error that it wasn’t God’s will for me.

I dreamed of a man with dark hair and eyes, and God sent him to me. But our time together was cut short, my hope deferred and heart sick. Yet with God’s love and comfort I made it through the grief.

I became a traditionally published author but that dream fell through.

Am I unhappy with the way my life has turned out?

No.

I miss my husband still, but I have learned to love life, anyway.

My three adult kids are my greatest blessings and joy. My dream is for them to know God’s love and see the fulfillment of their own dreams, in accordance with the will of the Heavenly Father.

I’m happy with my life the way it is now. I love being in my home with my favorite things surrounding me, in spite of the need for major repairs and remodeling.

I love sharing my books with people at the author events and talking about my writing (With anyone who’ll listen. lol).

I enjoy spending time with my family. They bring shared memories and much-needed laughter.

So this morning, as I drink my “Campfire Dreams” coffee, I thank God for the dreams He has fulfilled in my life. And I know one day I will understand why other dreams were broken.

I look forward to seeing what else He has in store for me.

Here’s an image of my newest book, soon to be released and available for purchase: