hope

Finding Hope After Heartbreak

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

A while back, I thought God was doing something new in my life. For months I was excited about the possibilities, until I discovered that what I wanted was not in His plan for me.

Today I cried over the loss of a dream. Then I prayed in earnest to my Heavenly Father, who brought me peace.

After that prayer, I sat down at my computer and opened a file for a story I’d begun last winter. I’d actually started two different versions of it. Today I copied and pasted it into one document. I began line by line edits as I read back through what I’d already written. It isn’t finished yet but I made great progress today.

My heroine struggled with feelings of being unloved and unwanted, and it led her to make poor choices as a teenager. Then she spent the next decade trying to bury her feelings of regret, and continued to make terrible decisions in relationships and life in general.

At the beginning of this story, she is 30 years old and facing the consequences of her actions.

A broken heart, a lost dream, a fall into depression —

While I can relate to this heroine in some ways, God protected me from making the choices this heroine made. Throughout my life, I’ve tried to stay true to my faith. God honored my choices with an amazing husband who was faithful to both myself and to God. Losing him was my life’s worst heartbreak.

But there have been a few times in the past 15 years when my heart has cracked. And each time I feel like I am falling apart, God puts the pieces back together.

I am never quite the same as I was before the heartbreak, but God always does something better when He restores my hope.

In this Season of Hope, I pray that you will find comfort in the Loving God who can fix broken hearts and broken relationships.

Naomi’s Daughters

/ Carol Underhill / Leave a comment

I’ve posted much about the loss of my husband which is going on 15 years this August. Feels more like 8 years. But God has brought healing through the grief. I have wonderful memories of my husband but the pain of losing him is almost gone. It creeps up on me during the annivesary dates, and I struggle emotionally for a few days around that time, but it doesn’t weigh on me every day.

We started a support group for widows specifically and call it Naomi’s Daughters. The Naomi of the Bible lost her husband and sons and the Bible tells us she was bitter. The pain that accompanies such a tremendous loss is crushing and it is far too easy to let bitterness grow roots.

I’ve come through my loss without bitterness. My faith has grown and the Grace of God has sustained me through it all. I’m not an expert on grief, but today I share some thoughts on what has made a difference for me.

The path through grief is not the same for everyone but the emotions that go along with it are shared by many. I will focus on these two today:

Anger: God can handle our anger. Like an earthly father, He has broad shoulders. We can pound on his proverbial chest in our anger and grief. But we don’t stay in that emotional state. We release our anger, and we lean into him. We allow His presence and His love to wrap us up and embrace us and hold us until our tears subside. This doesn’t happen once, or even a dozen times. As often as anger fills us, we seek our solace in our Heavenly Father.

Loneliness: The loneliness is unbearable at times. We have traveled through life with our dearest companion and now they are no longer with us. No matter the ages of our children, we will spend much time alone with our thoughts and with our grief. What do I do when I feel so lonely I don’t think I can go on? I cry out to Jesus, sometimes silently, sometimes out loud. I play music that lifts up my spirit. There are songs for every mood available on music apps. I have several playlists that help me through those hard times. And in those times, my heart becomes settled again. I have peace.

Again, why Naomi’s daughters?

We too have suffered the loss of our husbands, (or spouses, or children).

But we don’t have to allow that bitterness to take root.

We can unleash our anger in our Father’s presence and lean into Him for comfort. We remember that God is our Heavenly Father, that He is always with us, and that He has a plan for our lives that we cannot comprehend. He is faithful. He will bring about good in our lives. We don’t understand why we lost our loved one, and for me, I will never fully understand it this side of heaven. The grief looks like the underside of a cross stitched pillowcase my mom made for me. It’s a tangled mess of threads, snarls. But the upper side is beautiful. When I make it to heaven one day, I’ll look back on my life and I will see the beautiful picture God has woven through all the moments of my life.

We can cry out to Jesus in our loneliness. He understands our loneliness. We remember places in Scripture where Jesus sought comfort from his Father in heaven. He knew loneliness even when surrounded by people. He knew despair. He cried out to God in the garden and accepted God’s purpose for his life. He endured the lonely death on the cross because he knew the glory that awaited him in heaven. Jesus longs to walk this road through grief with us. We are never truly alone.

From the Archives:  Finding Joy Again

/ Carol Underhill / 2 Comments

Having an Advent wreath in my home is something that I didn’t start until a year or two after my husband passed away. At the time, I was looking for a way to make Christmas more meaningful to my son, who was in elementary school at the time. So I bought an Advent wreath. It was plain with brackets for the candles, so I made it more festive with fake greenery I had on hand.

I purchased the candles as a set. I bought a long lighter and a candle snuffer so my son could participate in the lighting of the candles. (His favorite part being “unlighting” them.)

For a few years, we did this together, then he reached his teens and no longer cared to participate.

I continued setting up my Advent wreath at Christmastime and lighting the candles each year. (I always have to dig out the little pamphlet that tells what each candle means, but that’s okay.)

I’m not always a frugal person, but in this instance, I was. Year after year I used the same candles until they were melted down about halfway.

This year I decided it was time for new candles. I ordered some online.

When they arrived I was disappointed that one had cracks in it. And they didn’t quite fit my wreath.

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As you can see from the picture above, they are leaning a little.

This year it was hard for me to think about lighting the candle for Joy. We’ve experienced loss in our extended family and a very dear friend also began her journey with grief. I didn’t really feel the joy of the season, so I didn’t light the candle.

Now it was nearly the close of the third week of Advent. And I still had not lit my candles.

Today, as I went about my day, the words of the song, “Through all of It” by Colton Dixon kept coming to me.

(I’ll post the link to the YouTube video below).

The lyrics that were running through mind are:

“I have Won, I have Lost, I got it right but sometimes I have not. Life’s been a journey, I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret, but You have been my God through all of it.”


I played the song on my music app. I read the lyrics as I listened. 
After listening to the whole song, I was inspired to light my Advent candles.
I lit the candles for Hope, Peace, and yes, I even lit the candle for Joy (The pink one).

The words of the song are so true. My life has been a journey. There’s been times of both joy and pain, it seems, and oh so many regrets.

As you can see in the photo, my candles are leaning a little. My Joy candle is not very strong in its position.

Sort of like my emotions this year.

My Joy is faltering a little. It isn’t very strong.

But I was still able to light it, and while leaning, the candle is secure in its brass holder. (Like we are in God’s love.)

It was only lit for a minute or two, while I played through the song, “Through all of It.”

By taking this moment in my day to focus on the reason for this season, I felt hope that there will again be joyous celebrations ahead.

As promised, here is a link to the Lyrics video on YouTube, “Through all of It” by Colton Dixon.

Feed the Light (Previously published in February 2023.)

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

This post came about almost one year ago when I was really struggling with my faith and felt quite hopeless. I share it here today as a testimony that God has shown His great faithfulness to me. But for anyone who needs to hear this uplifting message I share this original post:

It’s been a rough week.

I wish sometimes life would be good all the time, but that is not the case. Not for anyone. The tide ebbs and flows. The sun rises and the sun sets. Seasons change. We grow from helpless infants and travel through life only to find most of us helpless as we reach our final breath. The darkness comes at night, only to become light again as the sun rises.

“Feed the Light.”

Those were the words whispered in my ear last night.

As I said, it’s been a rough week. After some tests to find out what is causing abdominal pain, a doctor I saw in a walk-in clinic took time to talk to me about it and find out what was going on. She ordered an MRI so she can look at the big picture. I hope to find out what is causing the pain, yet if it is something serious, I don’t know if I want to know. People deal with pain all the time, but sometimes there are serious conditions causing that pain. Since I haven’t received a call to schedule the MRI yet, then there is nothing I can do but wait.

And pray.

And trust in God’s faithfulness.

I also may be facing laser surgery to correct glaucoma. It is a scary thought to me, to be so vulnerable to eye surgery. But without it, I could lose my eyesight. I have an appointment scheduled to see the specialist in December.

Again, there is nothing to do but wait.

And pray.

And trust in God’s faithfulness.

Our God is a good God, but not everything that happens in life is good.

We live in a fallen world full of darkness. God is our source of Light and Strength.

I wasn’t myself yesterday. I think the pain, the missed time from work, the fear of the unknown, all weighed heavy on my mind.

Late yesterday afternoon I found myself hurtled towards the darkness of the pit of depression.

“Feed the Light.”

Those words came to me.

I got out my phone and fired up my Spotify playlist.

As I listened to the worship music and meaningful lyrics of contemporary Christian songs, I am thankful that my hope is in the Lord.

I couldn’t help but find the source of my strength and hope as I played the song.

This morning, I still don’t have answers. I still have pain. Yet I have found my hope.

I have once again avoided falling into the dark pit of depression.

God is good. And faithful. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.

He is my Light.

The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

Climbing Out of Depression: Key Steps to Healing

/ Carol Underhill / 1 Comment

I published this post a few years ago. Every now and then I read back over it to remind myself of the steps I took to get out of the pit of depression. God’s eternal truths never change. And by clinging to those truths, we can rise above thoughts that lead us into depression.

I started going to a Christian counselor in October 2013 to help me through the depression I was stuck in.

I’m certain God led me to this counselor, as she and her husband were missionaries in Saltillo, Mexico, in the same year that I studied there. Not only that, but she studied Spanish at the same language institute that I did there in Saltillo, just not at the same exact time. It was enough of a connection to believe that God brought her into my life to help me heal.

One of the first things my counselor did was share with me Psalm 40:1-2.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.

The verses describe what it feels like to live in depression and grief.

My counselor gave me the word picture that there is a pit of depression, but there are rungs to help us climb out of it.

The rungs are truths that we know. For a Christian, those truths are founded in the Word of God.

My late husband had made notes in the margins of his Bible. Icame across these words he’d written in the book of Ephesians:

God loves me.

God accepts me.

God forgives me.

These were three truths that I could count on. They were rungs that I could use to help myself climb out of the pit.

I added a truth of my own:

I am a child of God.

My counselor agreed with these truths. She also added some.

I am who I am by God’s design.

God gave life to dirt. He made us in His image. My value comes from being made in the image of God.

God sees us as His children.

He delights in us.

He loves us for who we are.

Whether we believe it or not, it’s still the truth.

As a person thinks in their heart, so they are.

Those are the rungs of truth that I could use to climb out of the pit of depression.

Before I could grasp hold of a rung, however, I first needed to catch myself thinking negative thoughts.

I had to picture a stop sign.

Once I caught myself thinking a negative thought about myself, I could stop the thought from taking root.

The the next step was to replace the negative thought with a positive rung of truth. After a while, these truths became a part of who I was.

The process of climbing out of the pit did not happen overnight. Sometimes it was two steps forward and three steps back. But I continued to go to counseling and built on that foundation.

Over time and through much prayer and determination, I can say that I am safely out of that pit most of the time. When I start to slip, I try to remember what I’ve learned and keep from falling back in.

God wants me to remember that He is my heavenly Father, that He loves me and accepts me just as I am. I am His child. And I’m so thankful to God for His faithfulness in my life.